People are Stupid: Strange Things Were Afoot at the 7-11

As many of you know, I am a Coke addict (Coca-cola, that is).  There is nary a Coke to be seen in my house, so I scrounged up some changed and walked to the 7-11 to get a fix.

I'm trying to walk more often as sort of thought therapy, but this ended up being quite a lesson in human nature.

So I walk to the 7-11, and I had that weird awkward do-si-do when you're trying to get in and someone else is trying to get out.  The guy had a good sense of humor about it.  It was especially funny because I'm 5'2" and he was well over 6', so it must have looked hilarious.

"Well," I thought to myself, "that must have been the adventure for this trip."

I should know better than to ever say that to myself ...

I got my Coke, salivating all the way, and stood in line as the guy in front of me ordered two "big hot dogs".  The cashier went and put on the gloves and put two hot dogs into buns then into the little cardboard container; I watched this, and they weren't even my hot dogs.

At about this point, this guy wearing suspenders and a smug look stood between the counter and the door, waving a five dollar bill around.  I should also mention that the line had grown exponentially as the cashier got the hot dogs.

Back to the guy with the hot dogs, who apparently wanted little big hot dogs (???? his English wasn't great), but he was a good sport and seemed willing to pay and walk away.

At this point, however, my attention was diverted when a second cashier joined the first behind the counter.  I was next in line (and it was a pretty long line by then), so I stepped forward with my beautiful Coke.

The guy in the suspenders said, "Uh, excuse me, I just need five dollars in gas on pump three."

Before I could say, "And, uh, I've been waiting since you got into the store and I just have one item and I REALLY want a Coke right now", the cashier lit into him and basically said if he'd just gotten in line in the first place instead of trying to push hi way ahead of people, he'd have had his turn.

The guy got all red, muttered that he'd take his business elsewhere, and stormed out.

I have two questions ...

1.  Who the hell did he think he was?  I mean, yeah, it's a pain in the ass to wait in line, especially if you're just getting something small (*cough*Coke*cough*), but what made this guy think that he was so special that he should get pushed to the front of the line when everyone else was waiting patiently?

2.  How far does $5 in gas get you, anyway?

Anyway, I started to have a little bit of anxiety because confrontation and bullies and yelling and unfairness get me all freaked out, but I just took a deep breath and laughed.

Because sometimes, that's the only thing you can do ;-)

Sunday Stealing: Our Players' Meme

Ah, Sunday Stealing, it's been awhile ... The bonus of doing a regular weekly meme is that it gives you some really interesting ideas for future blog posts.  Oh, and it's a great way to wake up on a Sunday morning while you drink the requisite coffee :-)  

1. You have been awarded the time off from work and an all-expenses paid week anywhere in the United States. The catch is that it must be somewhere you have not been before. Where do you choose to visit? 

Somewhere in the south, where I've never been in reality (other than driving through on the way to Florida as a kid) but have been extensively through literature.  Is South Carolina what Pat Conroy and Anne Rivers Siddons made it for me?  And how about Alabama, where I grew up alongside Scout Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird?  

2. Name three of your guilty pleasures.

Coffee, cheeseburgers, and reading.

3. The best kind of Girl Scout Cookie is:

Tagalongs.  Oh my gosh, I can put those things away by the box ... I am not buying ANY Girl Scout cookies this year.  It never ends well ...

4. What do you value most in other people? 

Humor.  Even if you're an asshole, I'll find some sort of redeeming value if you can make me laugh.

5. Be honest. Do you sneak some raw cookie dough when you’re baking cookies?

I don't cook, but what I have been known to do is worse.  Yeah, you know the pre-made cookie dough they sell at the grocery store?  I've been known to buy that for the sole purpose of ... well, not baking it. Haha, I don't think I've ever admitted that before ;-)

6. Have you ever looked back at your life and realized that something you thought was a bad thing was actually a blessing in disguise?!

More times than I can count :-)

7. What is the most beautiful place you’ve ever visited? 

I think it would have to be Bar Harbor in Maine.  I love my little tiny slice of New Hampshire ocean, but seeing the ocean in Maine surrounded by mountains and forests, and the water is this unbelievable shade of blue, and it is just the most beautiful place ever.  

8. Are you more of a thinker or a feeler? 

I feel first and think later.  I do both equally, but it's more of a sequential thing with me than with many people, I think.  It's something I'm working on ... not a great way to be.

9. Name three things you are thankful for right now.

My family, having a job I love, and coffee.

10. Have you ever participated in a three-legged race? 

Haha, yes.  It was a drunken college thing.  It did not end well.  (I seem to say that a lot...)

11. When you are at an event that plays the National Anthem, do you place your hand over your heart?

This is going to sound really stupid, but I didn't know you were supposed to.  The Pledge of Allegiance, yes.  "The Star Spangled Banner"?  I thought standing and removing your hat were sufficient to show respect.  Since I've started attending more events where this comes up, I've started placing my hand over my heart because half the audience does, and I don't want to look disrespectful.  However, I'm still not sure if this is right or not ...

 

Second meme: 

12. What kind of work do you do?

I am a high school English teacher.  That means I'm a psychologist, a psychic, a clown, a philosopher, a referee, a coach, a technology expert, a cheerleader, a warden, a facilitator, and about a hundred other hats.   

13. During the course of your lifetime, which job or career has been your favorite or most fulfilling?

Teaching, no question.  Of course, the other options include things like wearing the rat costume at Chuck E. Cheese's and working third shift at Cumby's, so it's kind of a no-brainer ;-)

14. Do you think it’s necessary in your life to have a day-to-day “career” that is meaningful and service-oriented or do you function better in “just a job” with a steady paycheck?

Absolutely.  If I didn't love my job, I would certainly find something that paid better.  I discovered last year that I made more money bartending than I do teaching, which is scary.  Teaching is far more than a job to me, and the stories you collect are just amazing ... even better than the ones you get while bartending.  

15. Was there ever a time in your life when you wanted to stay home with your children instead of working, even if it meant less money in the household?

Of course ... although I still think I am a much better mother because I work.  It makes the time I have with my girls a hundred times more valuable, plus dealing with kids all day makes me appreciate them more.  I have really enjoyed this summer, actually, since I've gotten to spend a lot of time home with my kids ... where Addie basically asks for money to go out with her friends and Belle's incessant chattering begins to wear thin after awhile to the point where I direct her to the television (I'm exaggerating, of course, but I've found that it's not exactly all it's cracked up to be)

16. Tell us your worst boss story.

I have to plead the fifth on this one.  Make sure to read my memoir when it comes out, though ...

17. Have your ever been the boss?

Not the BIG boss, no way.  My skill set is not exactly suited for being a boss.  I'm great at being a high school English teacher, so why would I want more than that?  Some of my colleagues are all about going back to school to get certified as administrators, and I am honestly puzzled by that.

18. What is your dream occupation?

A published author.  But "high school English teacher" is the ultimate fallback :-)

Oh, The Things That You See ...

I try to find humor whenever I can.  Often, that results in sightings (or soundings, I suppose) that I unfortunately forget about sometimes.

Luckily, though, I do manage to capture photographic evidence at times of things in real life that just crack me up.  I figured I'd share some of those pics (and explanations) because ... well, laughter is a valuable commodity.

Enjoy :-)

What about if you're just medium?

I had never seen an extensive array of port-o-potties on a flatbed truck before.  For some reason, it just about killed me ...

 My brother Adam was hiking with my nephew when they came across a crushed empty of a can of beer called a "Natty Daddy".  Needless to say, the name itself had us nearly peeing ourselves.  Adam, being the amazing brother that he is, bought me one (it took quite a bit of searching, though ... and our review is that it tastes like water with a moonshine aftertaste--not that either one of us has ever had moonshine; you could just sort of tell ;-p)

One of my old friends texted me this pic from the San Diego Zoo ... it took me a minute to find what was so funny about it, but we've since decided that the new expression should be "hung like a zebra".

 This is a horrible pic (taken when I was at a stoplight), but there is a red arrow denoting no left turn (which any licensed driver in the U.S. should be able to figure out) ... and apparently that wasn't enough, as there's also a sign saying, "No turn on red arrow".  It made me wonder, are people seriously that stupid that they need a sign to emphasize a common knowledge driving law?

 Henry and I went to a dive bar.  There was a giant hot dog statue.  Enough said ...

 Another one that's hard to see, but we were leaving a restaurant parking lot, and there was a random guy sacked out on a bean bag chair in the woods ("woods" being a relative term, as this is a rather urban area for old New Hampshire).  For some reason, it cracked us up.

 I got an e-mail on my iPhone that read: "CONGRATULATIONS!  Someone may have run a background check on you."  Maybe it's just me, but I don't necessarily see that as something to be congratulated upon ...

 I call this "The Robomney House" as it's a single residence with an equal number of Obama and Romney signs in the yard.  I pulled over to take a picture, but the traffic was heavy so this was the best I could do.  It is sooooooooo funny, though.

Pillow talk?  In the children's section?  Seriously?

 Wisdom (or, uh, something ...) underneath a beer bottle cap.

 I found these disks when I was cleaning out a desk.  Is there ANY purpose for them anymore?

 Belle brought home a coloring page labeled "hens" with a picture of what is clearly a rooster.

 The "hard limits" delineated in Fifty Shades of Grey (reading this series was ... well, a cultural experience for me, I suppose, but I mean, come on ..."

 These t-shirts were sold at the place where I went whitewater rafting in May ... I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry, so I took a picture ;-)

 Ah, Prestone, the stuff that evidently removes bugs AND tar?  Who knew such a phenomenon existed?

 The card companies are going waaaaaaaaaaay downhill, obviously (although, in the name of full disclosure, I was the recipient of this card)

 My students think they're funny ... okay, finding a random human cardboard cutout (wearing a sombrero, no less) sitting at my desk was pretty funny, but ... surreal.

 I'm sorry, but when the receipt says "Open food" and then puts "sweet pot fries" into the category ... well, I was having visions of brownies.  Not THAT kind of vision ...

 This was on a Burger King kid meal box ...

Hope you got a laugh or two ... and a message about the possibilities of finding humor in everyday life if you are willing to look for it :-)

Recap Via Pictures as I Try to Atone for Sucking at Blogging

I have had terrible writer's block for months.  I don't know why, but it appears to be gone now (woohoo :-)!!!!).  Anyway, so much has gone on that writing about it seems overwhelming, so I figured that I'd do a little annotated photo catch-up post (in reverse chronological order).

Today I went mini-golfing with Henry and Belle.  It was so much fun :-)  I somehow won, which was a first.  Belle wanted an ice cream desperately when we were done, but once we got to the counter, she changed her mind to a blue raspberry slush thing.  She still looks like she ate a smurf (but she won't let me take a picture of it).

 My golden retriever is petrified of thunderstorms.  She cries and shakes and her heart beats so fast that I worry about her survival.  The only thing that makes her feel better is barricading herself into a small space, and the most recent thunderstorm found her between the recliner that Belle was sleeping in and the couch that I was sleeping on.  Poor puppy :-(

This is my current Facebook profile picture.  No makeup, I was seriously sleep-deprived, and I'd been sick to my stomach early that night, plus I don't think I've needed to have my eyebrows done so desperately since I was fourteen or so.  Still, I kind of like the picture, and I really like that I've gotten to a point where I don't feel the need to look "good" in every picture.  It's kind of freeing :-)  

 Since the death of my bed (it was a "Ward and June Cleaver" original from the fifties, I think), I've been stuck with the couch.  I have a nice Sealy full-size in my storage unit but haven't had the time to get there.  In the meantime, Sonja has decided that sleeping on the couch with me is a good idea.  Um ... no.

 Belle and I joined Pythagorus on a cruise to the Isles of Shoals.  Well, we tried to, but the boat turned around about an hour in due to seven-foot waves.  Most memorable was the fact that Miss Belle, despite my attempts to convince her otherwise, wore a summer dress and flip flops (and begrudgingly brought a sweatshirt with her).  Fortunately, I never clean my car out, so I found her spring jacket and a blanket, which was a good thing because it was FREEZING.  It was a fun morning, though, and I'm glad for it because as always, things with Pythagorus go up and down like a roller coaster, so whenever Belle can enjoy her visits with him is a good thing.

 I hate awards ceremonies because it always seems like the same kids always get the lion's share of awards.  As a result, I have for years done "class awards" for every single student on the last day of class.  They are sometimes silly (one year, one of my students and I always had to pee at the same time each day, so she got the "Best Bathroom Conversation Award") and sometimes serious (the "Untapped Potential Award"), but I think it really means a lot to the kids that I take the time to honor them all individually.  One of my students gave me this the next day...just before he took his final exam, I might add :-)

 Addie graduated from high school.  I will be doing a whole post on this when I am able to.  There are not words to describe the incredible pride and the deep trauma of watching your oldest child become a high school graduate.  I'm tearing up, so time to move on ...

 We had an awesome party at the beach house where everyone came--both of my siblings and sibs-in-law as well as my two precious nephews, plus the usual suspects.  Belle was, of course, in her glory at the opportunity to boss a couple of adoring little boys around (although in this picture, they were pushing her around in a chair ;-)).

 Belle and I went to a play at my school, and it started raining so hard it was ridiculous.  We were staying at Henry's that night, but he wasn't home yet, and I was soaking wet from my run to the car from the school (I'd picked Belle up at the door, so she was okay), so I rummaged through Henry's drawers to find a dry shirt.  I took this picture to text him and tease about going through his stuff, but I could only get it to work as a mirror pic, and then it turned into "things to notice and laugh at", such as his unmade bed and his cats' eyes and the fact that one piece of my hair looks completely blonde, and so on.  One of the things I love best about Henry is that we laugh a lot.

 As Senior Class Co-Advisor, I guess there was no way I'd get out of being part of the senior prank.  However, the kids that just graduated (my secondary babies or "school babies", as I call them) are such a good group that their senior prank was shockingly ... well, kind.

 I still have the sense of humor of a thirteen-year-old.  To wit, I took a picture of my recent order of "pot fries" (which of course fell under the "Open food" category) as well as the double entendre present on a Burger King Kid Meal.

 I had the privilege of being one of the chaperones on the senior class trip, where we went whitewater rafting and had a total blast.  The only downside was that it was on Mothers Day weekend, which ended up being okay because the seniors got us (the "mothers" who were spending their day with them instead of their own kids) cards--mine was by far the most far-out ;-).  We also got my co-advisor a lobster since she was bummed that her family was eating lobster without her.  In typical fashion, things got very silly, and the lobster's remains ended up being a mascot.  Oh, and there was a bachelor party in the cabin next door; the first night, the guys were just completely wasted, but the second night, they had a stripper.  Yeah, it was pretty damn memorable :-)  (and yes, I am in fact on that raft)

 My brother and I took Belle and my nephew Pete to Odiorne Point, which has great hiking trails and allows some really cool ocean views as well as lots of opportunities for throwing rocks into the water (one of Pete's favorite past times) and walking way out on the breakwall (which quickly became one of Belle's).  We had such an amazing time :-)

It's been a really busy few months, with a lot of good things and a couple of truly horrible things happening.  All in all, I'm just very relieved that school is out for the summer, that my writer's block appears to be gone, and that I can resume writing, blogging, and rejoining society ;-)

Sunday Stealing: The Imaginary Meme

This is Part VI of a longer meme, but since I haven't blogged forever (other than my random iPhone contemplation on roadkill, where I learned that IOS doesn't give a rat's derriere about paragraphs...), I figured this was a good way to ease back in.  Check out Sunday Stealing, if you get a chance ... always an interesting read :-)

101. Name 4 things you always have with you.

iPhone (it's a combination extra appendage and crack), coffee, keys, and ... hmmm, underwear???? 

102. How many SERIOUS exes do you have?

Serious exes ... hmm, sounds a touch oxymoronic ;-)  Probably four.

103. What causes you to you admire people?

Honesty, humor, and ... well, a willingness to do interesting things.

104. Do you like sports?

I do.  I like to watch baseball and football on TV, and I enjoy playing random "non-sports" like badminton, ladder golf, beach volleyball, and such.  And I'm a swimming maniac.

105. Would you have sex after marriage? Why or why not?

Nah, marriage takes all the fun out of it ;-)

106. What is your favorite male name?

Roran

107. Do animals go to Heaven?

They'd better, because many animals I've known are more deserving than most people.

108. Last time you had a great time with your dad?

Some Christmas Eve event at his house.  It's usually a good time, with lots of music and beer and reminiscing.  

109. What is your favorite hair style?

I am very low-maintenance.  My hair just is.  The idea of all the work that goes into it keeps me from really enjoying any other hair styles.

110. Do you like your name?

Sure.  I mean, it's a little over-common, but it's much better than Prunella or Apple or whatever.

111. When was the last time that you quit your job?

2008.  Geez, time flies ...

112. When you wake up, what is the first thing you think?

"Put the dogs out", since I usually wake up to a black lab climbing all over me and a golden retriever relentlessly licking my face.

113. Have you ever pulled an all-niter?

In my wayward youth, many times.  It's been awhile ...

114. What is the perfect day for you?

Any day where I get to spend extensive time with my daughters.  And cheeseburgers.

115. Last time you cleaned the bathroom?

Hmmm, when you can't answer that question off the top of your head, I guess you know it's time to clean the bathroom.  Guess I know what I'm doing when I finish this ...

116. Have you ever failed a grade? Why?

I never failed a grade, but I did fail Algebra I.  Twice.  

My parents got divorced when I was in sixth grade, so suffice it to say that I didn't care a whole lot about school at that time (it was a pretty bad scene).  As a result, I ended up tracked in low classes when I went into junior high.  My eighth grade English teacher wanted me to take the placement test for Honors English when we were doing course selections for high school, and they decided to take me, for some reason.  

The problem was, the school would not allow me to take Honors English and Pre-Algebra (back then, if you were exceptionally smart in one area, you could theoretically be exceptionally smart in all areas).  I had to make a choice.  Well, my mother had to make a choice.

Long story short, I walked into Algebra I thinking that "X" meant multiply.  It went downhill from there ...

117. Have you met anyone online?

Haha, yup.

118. Have you ever smoked?

Yup...dirty, filthy, disgusting habit :-(

119. Do you like celebrities?

I do, in fact, have a minor obsession with celebrities.  When I was in high school, I kept scrapbooks of different celebrities that were always in the news, and even now I can tell you random celebrity gossip facts that are completely pointless.  I own the celebrity category of Trivial Pursuit ;-)

120. Do you like traveling?

Actually, I love traveling.  Unfortunately, I have a deathly fear of airplanes, so my options are a bit limited.  I do the best I can with what I have :-)

Travel Moments: The Epiphanies of Getting Around

This is a very special guest post, as it was written and submitted (for the sole purpose of inclusion on this blog, which I take as a tremendous honor) by my sister, Mary.  That's not her real name.  She doesn't have a blog that I can link you to.  She is a very private person.  I found her piece to be a great read (and I'm not saying that because we're related), and I know that you will, too.  


Mary, you told me not to run it if it "sucked".  On the contrary, it's excellent.  I might be the "writer" in the family (even though, according to Mom, Adam writes a hundred times better than I do????), but it clearly didn't come out of a vacuum.  Love you :-) 

Myself, Adam, and Mary at a photo shoot.  We eventually got kicked out for misbehaving ... you can probably tell from this pic (taken just after the photographer reamed us out) who the ringleader was ;-)  Mary was (as you can also tell from this pic) "the good one" :-)

                                                        Travel Moments

I am a traveler. I wasn’t always; in fact, I spent many years snugly tied to home. My father was afraid of flying, and the only vacations we took involved being piled in the station wagon and driving down the East Coast to Orlando. The message was subtle but clear: stay on the ground and stick to what you know.

Somewhere along the path to self that most of us wander down during the first two years of college, I decided to go to Orlando again. Only this time I went in an airplane, with six friends and no relatives. It was during this trip that I had my first of many Travel Moments.

A Travel Moment, as I call them, is a mini (or maxi, in some cases) epiphany that you wouldn’t have had if you were in your regular setting. There is something spiritually stressful yet enormously formative about traveling.

You tax your body with sometimes extensive continuous wakefulness, circadian disruptions, what we shall politely call intestinal disruptions, and the stress of uncertainty. You take yourself out of your element, to a place you have never been. You do not know where the drug store is, or where to get a bagel. Sometimes you do not speak the language. Sometimes your bags do not make it along with you, and have to wash the clothes on your back in the sink so as not to go nudist the next day. In other words, there is an extreme amount of, you know, just going with it. All of this stress is paradoxically somewhat relaxing, freeing even, and it opens you up for epiphanies. In other words, the quirks of travel enable the Travel Moment.

My first Travel Moment (Orlando, age 20) happened right away. I stepped off of my first airplane that I remember riding on, and boarded a train to the terminal. I stood with my friends, looked out the window, and saw…palm trees. I had been in Boston, trudging through dirty, crusty February snow, just 3 hours before. And yet there I was, among the freaking palm trees. Whoa. For a girl who hadn’t traveled anywhere in more than 10 years, this was profound. It was enlightening. The world is not such a big place after all, and all things that I saw as exotic and unattainable were right there for me. All I needed to do was grab them.

In preparing to write this piece, I listed all of the places I have been and their associated Travel Moments. As I bounce around a fair amount for work, there are far too many to list, but I’d love to share some of my strongest:

1.) Location: Ireland. Travel Moment epiphany: “I’m fixed now, and all I had to do was cross the ocean.” I was 22, and having terrible trouble with anxiety attacks. It was getting to the point where I had trouble leaving the apartment, when my boyfriend (now husband)’s parents surprised us with a trip to Ireland as a graduation gift. It was horrifying. I did it, though. I got on the plane, traveled to England, crossed into Ireland, and toured the whole country with 30 people we didn’t know. Once we got home, leaving home to go to a restaurant was laughably minor. A few months later we decided to move out of state, and haven’t been back. You can’t go home again, and that’s okay.

2.) Location: Amelia Island, FL. Travel Moment epiphany: “This is wonderful, and my father probably will never get to have this.” This one was a weekend away. I was 28 and living in Florida (remember those palms?), and my husband surprised me with a trip at this bed and breakfast. We had no children. We slept late, lounged on the beach, and went to fancy restaurants. My Travel Moment came as I watched the waves, with my feet in the sand. I thought that this might be what retirement is like, and then I thought about my father, with whom I have a very strained relationship. It occurred to me that he will likely never get to relax and lounge like that, and that is a sad thing. For whatever hurt there was on my end, I got to have things in life that he didn’t.

3.) Location: Tianjin, China. Travel Moment epiphany: “We’re doing the exact same thing!” I was 28 here too, and I was in a crowded sweet shop. There were open bins of candies and cookies, and everyone was reaching for them. Everyone in the shop was from Tianjin, and I am from New Hampshire. We all took a bag and pointed at the things we wanted. No one talked to the girls working in the shop. This was the one time in China that I could have been “local”. It was wild.

4.) Location: Nairobi, Kenya. Travel Moment epiphany: “What a crazy set of circumstances that led to me eating lunch with these people.” I was working here for a week, and I was 31. The institute had a “cafeteria”, which I put in quotes because it was a sunny outdoor courtyard overflowing with flowers and birds. I was eating lunch with 6 colleagues, chatting about trivial nonsense. My colleagues were from Germany, Sweden, the Netherlands, Australia, China, and…Massachusetts. I wondered if, as children, we would have imagined sitting at a table in Africa chatting with one another.

5.) Location: Maine. Travel Moment epiphany: “One different choice would have led to us having a completely different life.” This one happened about 4 days ago. We were staying at my husband’s family cabin for the first time in 5 years. A lot has changed. We moved from Connecticut to Florida to Maryland, and now have a little boy. When we arrived, I suddenly remembered that I had once loved log homes, and that we had talked about building one someday. As I was giving my boy a bath in the sink, I realized that had we not moved away, perhaps I would do this every night: give my boy a bath in the sink in a log cabin at the end of a day where we went to the town parade. The thing is, I think it would have been just as happy a life.

Those are my stand-outs. What are your strongest Travel Moments?

E-mail Exchange Too Funny Not To Share ...

I apologize to my Facebook friends as I've already posted the really funny part of this on there, but I have been unable to stop laughing for about half an hour now ... and that kind of humor doesn't happen all that often, so I had to share.


My ex-husband is not able to drive himself anymore, so it  makes the visitation situation a little complicated.  Getting him to commit to a day, time, and place in writing is a new challenge, and he is evidently reluctant to do that.


He made a vague reference to brunch this Sunday, but I don't think a time window of less than eight in the morning until two in the afternoon is too much to ask for.  Anyway, my desire to be able to plan out Belle and Addie's weekend led to this exchange that is truly too absurd to be made up.


E-mail from Me:
Hi Pythagorus,


Just checking to see if you have a time/place in mind for Sunday yet.  Please let me know when you do.


Thanks,
:-) Katie


E-mail response from Pythagorus:
Hi:


Name of the Restaurant in City of Restaurant at 9 am EST.


Pythagorus


E-mail I considered responding with (but ultimately decided not to ... like I keep saying, that high road's a tough trek sometimes ...):
Hi Pythagorus,


So I'll see you at 6:00 a.m. PDT, 8:00 p.m. ITC (in case I take a jaunt to Bangkok), 4:00 p.m. EAT (or Somalia), 5:30 p.m. AFT (perhaps Afghanistan), 7:00 a.m. CST (Nicaragua), or 3:00 pm CEST (Paris).


Bye--uh, Sawatdi...uh, Nabad gelyo...uh, De kuday pa aman...uh, Adiós...uh, Au revoir,
:-) Katie


I guess it shows how ridiculous this whole situation has gotten ... but at least I'm laughing and not crying now :-)


And I'm glad I, at least, was able to keep my immaturity in check (well, mostly ... I'm getting it out here), because this isn't about Pythagorus and it isn't about me ... it's about Belle.


I wish that he could see that ...

Honoring a Marriage That is Over

Nine years ago today, I got married.  I took marriage very seriously, and I certainly never intended for it to ever end.  As a child of divorce myself, it was vitally important to me that I make the commitment of marriage only if I was 100% sure.

Obviously, things didn't work out the way I'd intended.

Mental illness and alcoholism brought on by stress and long-suppressed memories changed the man that I married--and he was a good man--into an unrecognizable monster.

There are two people in every marriage, and there are two people that contribute to the destruction of one.  I have a boatload of faults, and I do not pretend to have been the perfect wife.  I wish that my ex-husband could have communicated his concerns to me before reaching for the bottle.  I wish that with all my heart, because we had a really good marriage for a very long time.

I will never be sorry that I was married to Pythagorus.  Ever. (And we had an extremely unpleasant phone conversation last night that falls under "bullying" and "verbal assault" as defined by my school and by pretty much anyone with a clear mind, so these words carry greater weight today, as far as I'm concerned, than they would have yesterday at this time)

The most obvious reason that I don't regret my marriage is obviously Belle, a magical, funny, beautiful, intelligent miracle of a child.

But there is a lot more.

The man I married had a wonderful sense of humor.  We spent hours laughing together, sharing stories from our days, discussing current events that crossed into bizarre territory, and finding entertainment everywhere we went.

He was unfailingly kind.  He would give the shirt off his back to a stranger, and I completely mean that.  I watched him, over the course of our marriage, offer assistance to human beings of every age and walk of life, and he did it without expecting anything in return.  I can't remember him ever raising his voice--much less his hand--to me for the lion's share of the years we dated and were married.

Pythagorus was a master at finding random adventures.  We would get into the car and just drive, talking the whole time, and ending up in many different and unexpected locations.  It's a rare person that can find excitement in the seemingly mundane, and Pythagorus was a genius at this.

Pythagorus unquestionably made me a better person.  I was at a very low point in my life when I met him, and his positive attitude and appreciation for things like sunsets on a mountain or flying a kite on a windy day dissipated the bitter, cynical attitude I had adopted toward life.  Many of the good parts of who I am today are because of the love, support, and patience that Pythagorus gave to me.

I do not trust easily, and there were things I never told Pythagorus about my past (in retrospect, I'm relieved, because he's turned into the kind of jerk that would find a way to use some of these things against me), but I did fully believe in him and completely trusted that he would always be there for me just as I intended to always be there for him.

My husband, for all intents and purposes, died several years ago.  It's only recently that I've fully realized that, and I still grieve for him.  I loved him very much, and I still miss him.

However, the man with Pythagorus' face today, the bitter and cynical and mistrustful liar that has taken over his body, is not that man.

Which makes it even worse.

When somebody that you love passes away, the pain is enormous.  Death is the ultimate closure, in a way, because you have to forge ahead with life and figure out a way to live without a loved one.  You can look back fondly, can visit a cemetery, can appreciate the difference someone made in your life and honor that person through words and deeds.

I lost my stepdad and my grandfather, both great men in terms of their families and of the larger world, within a few years of each other.  I loved them both very much, and I miss them every day.  Their legacies live on, though, through memories and stories shared at family events and, yes, through those of us they left behind.      

It is impossible to honor the Pythagorus that exists today.  There is nothing--not one single thing--noble or fine about him.

The fact that he was once a great man makes the cruelty of not being able to honor who he used to be even more difficult.  The face I once loved is still in the world, spitting out lies, bullying, manipulating, endangering the lives of other people, and thriving on mind games.

It makes it difficult to even mourn the man who was my husband, and that just breaks my heart.

But I can still honor our marriage, and so that is what I do today.   

The 30 Day Music Challenge: A Song That Reminds Me Of a Certain Event

For today's installation of The 30 Day Music Challenge, I'm supposed to share a song that reminds me of a certain event.

This is without question too much information, just to give you a heads up.  Feel free to stop reading.

So I had a vaginal prolapse.  It's actually very common (well, so said my gyno) in women that have had children.  I don't know if she was just trying to make me feel better, or if it's a problem so embarrassing that normal people don't talk about it, but I'd never even heard of it until I experienced it.

My little problem is solved now, but I will tell you that it was pretty disgusting for awhile (I'll spare you the details).  I have amazing friends that keep me laughing always ... they started calling me Lola.

Yup, humor is the best medicine, right?  And so this song will always remind me of the vaginal prolapse ... and how fortunate I am to have friends with the ability to find humor in any situation.

Sustained by Laughter

I love to laugh. In fact, I think it's safe to say that, in some ways, laughter has saved me. I know a lot of people that become bitter and jaded and cynical when faced with ugliness, and while I've had my moments of feeling that way, I've always been able to search deeply for the humor in a situation and ultimately come out laughing.

During my blogoversary (how do you spell that, anyway?) week, I've been doing a lot of rereading (how fortuitous that it's coincided with school vacation week).

And I found that my blog contains quite a few really hysterically funny life adventures. Since I have a lot more followers now than I did when these were originally written, I figured I'd do some recapping. Definitely check out the original posts if you get a chance (there are links) ... remember, laughter is the world's best medicine :-)

My sister and I had a ridiculously funny Facebook exchange. It involved horse urine and lettuce from a different country. You can find it here.

If laughter is your panacea, teaching is the career for you. Only in education can tampons come up in a conversation about spare tires and the yearly occurrence of 4/20 bring hysterical laughter.

Then there was the night that Belle and I spent hanging with a giant chicken.

And then there was the whole Andy adventure, which was of course a laughter-fueled train wreck. If you haven't read about Andy before on here, he was my best friend for a long time--we reconnected for awhile when I decided that, for my own healing, I had to tell him about the rape. Anyway, we had some great adventures during our reconnected whatever-the-hell-you-want-to-call-it that were incredibly funny, including:
* Going to a Monster Truck show (I'm not what you would call a Monster Truck kind of girl)
* Why I ended up leaving my final divorce court date laughing like a loon.
* I walk into a men's room for a stupid purpose and see a man ... in action.
* The skiing adventure (with video ... my personal favorites are when we got Addie and her friend on the real chairlift when they were snowboarding for the first time or the last one, where you really get a feel for what tools Andy and I are together)

Andy isn't my only funny friend, though. Take BJ, for example, who received a mail order prayer rug and nearly had a nervous breakdown over it.

Hope I was able to brighten up your day a bit :-) ... which did you find to be the most humorous?

Oh, and don't forget about my wonderful, amazing giveaway. Enter now!

Seven Random Facts About Me

I just had the greatest time reading seven random facts about Mrs. Nesbitt. I enjoyed reading her "random facts"(which were actually totally awesome stories and not random facts at all ;)) so much, in fact, that I figured I'd give it a shot myself. I strongly encourage you to check Mrs. Nesbitt's out, too ... oh, and leave a link in the comments if you decide to do this yourself because I love reading these!

1. My desk at work is a landmark.
And not in a good way. It is piled high with ever-shifting piles of papers that end up mixed together in new and unusual ways. If I was a science teacher instead of an English teacher, it would be a great way to teach plate tectonics. Interestingly, though, I have never lost a student's work, a fact that they comment on regularly.

STUDENT: Ms. Loud, I don't understand it. Your desk looks like a tornado went through it, and you never lose our stuff. Ms. Spike has a color-coded filing cabinet with folders for not just each student but each class and loses our work all the time.

I can't explain this to children, of course, but it's the ADHD mind at work. I will always be disorganized ... there's no way around it. However, I operate under the "central location" theory. If every piece of student work goes in a central location (in other words, my desk), I know it's there somewhere ... it might take me a bit to find it amidst the other thousand papers on my desk, but I know it's there.

2. I met my ten-year-old equivalent last week.
I was at another school with several other teachers to observe their reading program and the interventions they had in place for struggling readers so that we could bring it back to our school. One of the other teachers also happens to be one of my best friends, and suffice it to say that we should not be allowed to go on professional development days together ... we laugh entirely too much.

So we're observing a class right after lunch, and everyone's a little bit punchy, but Holly and I are by far the goofiest. There's this one little guy who just cannot sit still. If you've ever seen a caricature of a kid with ADHD, this was it.

And Holly leans over to the other teachers and whispers, "This is what it's like working with Katie", and we all just lost it.

When the kid was sitting backwards in his chair literally hanging off of it, it occurred to me that I sometimes teach in that position, and I tried to stifle the laughter until I looked at my colleagues and saw that they were all cracking up ... they've all seen me teach, after all.

Although I thought this kid was the coolest, it occurred to me that I must at times be very annoying to the people I work with ;)

3. My favorite author is Stephen King.
I am a voracious reader. I've read all the classics, all the chick lit, all the pretty much everything, and nobody can tell a story like King. Nobody can make characters that you care about, that seem quite as real as the ones he creates.

Nobody can make a book about the craft of writing as interesting as his On Writing, which I would make required reading for my students if there weren't budget constrictions.

I am especially obsessed with his seven-book saga The Dark Tower. I'm so obsessed that I made a blog intended to analyze and contemplate the philosophies contained therein (it doesn't get updated very often, though, although I'm working on managing my time better so I can get back to adding to it).

4. I can do a split. It's a great classroom management tool ...

5. I jumped off a moving train once.
My brother, sister, brother-in-law, and myself went to a Red Sox game, but the game ended up being the least interesting part of the day. I don't want to get into detail because I've been trying to do this story justice in writing for years and it just doesn't transfer well (it's a story made for oral storytelling), but it was totally my brother-in-law's fault.

6. My golden retriever, Mollie, is passive aggressive.
Most dogs I've owned are very sweet-tempered. My black lab, Sonja, for example, just kind of goes with the flow, is thrilled to see you when you get home at the end of the day, sits at your feet when you're reading a book, is thrilled when you take her outside to play, and so on.

Mollie is just crazy.

The best example of this, I guess, is her obsession with balls. She always has a ball in her mouth, and when you're inside the house, she'll drop the slimy thing on your lap as if to say, "Throw it, throw it, I want to play fetch!" The logical response to this action, of course, is to pick up the ball, walk outside, and start a rousing game of fetch.

Um ... nope. You throw the ball once and Mollie goes running after it, retrieves it, and comes back to dance around your feet ... and refuses to give you the ball. After you try to pry it out of her mouth a few times to no avail, you give up and go back inside ... at which point, Mollie comes and drops the slimy ball in your lap and the cycle continues.

Even more annoying, though, is when you give her the ball back and say, "No, not gonna do it right now" or something like that. She hides the ball under heavy pieces of furniture and scratches at it until you lift it up, straining back muscles in the process, so she can get the ball ... and, two minutes later, drop the slimy thing in your lap.

7. I laugh a lot.
One of the greatest gifts I've been given is the ability to find humor in pretty much any situation, a skill that both of my parents possess. They passed on some less positive traits, but the laughter that has permeated my life almost balances those out.

I can't even explain how weird my sense of humor is, or even how simple it is when you get right down to it.

Oh, wait for it ... my phone just gave me an example. Like, perhaps the prime example. Every time I get a text message (or a Facebook update), my phone says, "DROID" in a robotic voice. I've had this phone for months now, and I still crack up every time (every single time) it goes off ... and I get a fair amount of texts and Facebook stuff, so it's not like this is a rare occurrence. And it is still just so funny ...

Most people with Droids change the settings pretty quickly, but I'm just far too entertained by my phone talking to me in a robotic voice that I just can't. My friend Holly and I usually sit together during meetings, and when it's getting rather dry, she'll lean over and whisper, "DROID", and we both just lose it (it took me awhile to figure out how to silence it, so for a couple of weeks it went off all day, every day).

Oh, and during the before-Christmas talent show, we hooked my phone up to the sound system because we were playing a song off it for the eighth graders to dance to. In the middle of the song, there's a sudden, "DROID!" It was just hysterical.

So there you have it ... seven random things about me :-)

The Christmas Miracle

I am blessed with funny children. At sixteen, Addie realizes that she's kind of a laugh riot and plays it up at times. Belle doesn't always get it ... which of course makes it even funnier much of the time.

My mother was telling me the other day about a story I've heard a hundred times but had forgotten. Evidently I referred to my older brother as "Goong Goong" when I was a baby. One day, my father asked me, "What's your brother's name?" and I replied, "Goong Goong." My dad persisted, "Yeah, but what's his real name?" and, giving my father a patented are-you-an-idiot look, I said clear as day, "Adam."

Which leads me to Belle's Christmas miracle, which as a fair warning involves bathroom functions.

Okay, still with me?

Belle is a notoriously picky eater. Her main staples are cheese and chocolate, with an occasional McDonald's Happy Meal thrown in for good measure. This kid has been exposed to every fruit and vegetable and high-fiber snack in existence, and she just won't eat them.

Okay, I lied ... she eats bananas. And apple juice. Yes, those are two components of the "BRAT" diet recommended for getting rid of diarrhea.

You can probably see where I'm going here ... in essence, this kid has been a constipation emergency waiting to happen for most of her life.

The day before Christmas, I'm doing some last-minute wrapping while Belle is playing with the dogs, when all of a sudden I hear her screaming. Now, if you're a parent, you automatically recognize the pain cry and know to go running. I sprinted.

Belle was in the bathroom on the toilet, screaming at the top of her lungs. In that particular situation, there's, uh, not a whole lot someone else can do to help. I got down on the floor and held her and encouraged her and did end up putting on latex gloves and assisting somewhat.

Long story short (and it was long ... this went on for at least half an hour, poor kid), it all came out in the end.

And the kid looks up at me, her eyes shining, and exclaims, with a completely straight face, "Mommy, it's finally out. It's a Christmas miracle!"

I mean, who needs Adam Sandler, right?

We have, by the way, incorporated pears, peaches, plums, and prunes (collectively known as "the p-fruits" by Miss Belle) into her required daily diet, just to avoid any subsequent Christmas miracles.

When Garbage and Ice Cream Collide ...

I've posted about my odd sense of humor here before. Sometimes I wonder, in fact, if I'm completely twisted ;) Well, it perpetuated today ... and demonstrated that I've passed the funny bone-tickling that comes from the bizarre onto my progeny.

When I was driving Addie to school this morning, she suddenly yelled, "Oh my God, there was just an accident between a garbage truck and an ice cream truck." And then she started laughing. And then I started laughing. And yeah, you know how that goes ...

The thing is, I want to state very clearly for the record that I would never under any circumstances laugh at the misfortune of others--except that this is clearly exactly what I pretty much did. This kind of bothers me about myself, actually. I hate hypocrisy more than pretty much anything.

I can rationalize it by saying that obviously trash collection companies and ice cream companies have good car insurance. I can further state that it was obviously not a bad accident, just a minor fender bender as they go. However, the fact of the matter is, it was at the very least a fairly serious inconvenience (at the very least) for the two drivers.

Think about it, though. It's humorous on so many levels. For one, the nutritional value of ice cream is pretty close to garbage. The wrappers from the frozen treats sold by one truck eventually end up in the stinky receptacle contained in the other. What are the odds of two trucks of roughly the same size colliding? And, perhaps funniest of all, what the hell was an ice cream truck doing on the road at 6:15 in the morning?

Anyway, I got the giggles bad. I felt like a jerk, but I just couldn't stop laughing.

Addie summed up the whole experience best, though. Wiping tears of laughter from her own eyes, she said, "Oh, so it's going to be one of THOSE days."

Vanity Plates

When I was driving home today, I saw a license plate in front of me that read:"KEEPBZS". I spent a ridiculously long time trying to figure out what it meant.

"Keep busy"? Perhaps, but why the 's' at the end?

"Keep bees"? A bit more promising, although I might have just been excited about being behind a beekeeper.

I kept running things through my head. Key peeps? Keepsies? It was randomly a lot of fun, which I've found vanity plates to be...even if you never know the intended meaning.

I used to have vanity plates. They read: "UONCRK", and I had them until I received notice from the DMV that someone found my plates offensive, so they were being revoked. Although she swears up and down she didn't, I remain convinced that my mother wrote that letter ;)

An Old Friend Joins the Three Musketeers for Dinner

One of my best friends, B.J., came down to visit Addie, Belle, and I. She is just wonderful, and I miss her so much and wish I saw her more often. We taught together for a year and, despite a bit of distance, our friendship has persevered. We went to Bugaboo Creek where Belle told lame knock-knock jokes and Addie actually got the double entendre details of stories B.J. and I tell about out adventures at work (There's a book called Up the Down Staircase--it should be read by everyone in education).

Anyway, there are many invaluable memories I have with B.J., but my personal favorite has been recounted already in one of my other blogs (originally written in 2007, if you can believe it). However, it was such a great story that I figured I'd post it here for your viewing pleasure--and as thanks to B.J., who always seems to know when I need a friend to lean on. And a laugh ... always a laugh : )

So, here it is ... once again : ) The true story of B.J. and the Prayer Rug.
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Just got off the phone with my good friend B.J. My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. I think we're both going to hell.

In general, B.J. is a very calm, cool, and collected individual. However, she called me this afternoon rather shaken with a story that absolutely couldn't wait until tomorrow. B.J. carefully explained to me that, while horror movies and superstitions don't generally freak her out, she has a slight issue with those that deal with the religious (such as the movie "Stigmata").

Now, B.J. and I went out to dinner last night and reminisced about how she had to attend "God Training" in order to work as a volleyball coach at a religious school. We were laughing about the ludacrisy of the video itself ("Not ALL homosexuals are pedophiles"), and, okay, we got silly about how black and white really were B.J.'s colors if she decided to become a nun.

Evidently God was listening.

In today's mail, B.J. received a package from St. Matthew's Churches (note the plural) in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Within, there was a letter, a sealed package, and a prayer rug composed of two sheets of computer paper containing the face of Jesus Christ. However, it has the disturbing optical illusion feature where the eyes look closed initially but, when you look just right, all of a sudden the big guy is staring right at you, following your every move. B.J. was creeped out, to say the least.

Well, not wanting to further bring down any wrath of God upon herself, B.J. called some people (including her mom--"Jesus is watching me, Mom, he's watching me!") and yours truly.

She started out by reading me the letter she received. The gist of it was that she needed to, alone in a room by herself, utilize the prayer rug for its intended purpose (to wit, praying). After that, she was instructed to put it into her Bible for the night. No Bible? No worries ... just put it under your bed for the night. While J.C. is chilling under your bed, the plan is that you flip the letter over and fill out the "wish list"--money, new house, new job, new boyfriend, et cetera et cetera. You then mailed the prayer rug back to a P.O. Box in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and that was that.

(I should note that B.J. did try to hide the prayer rug under her bed, but her cat started eating it. Realizing that this was likely sacrilegious on a variety of levels, B.J. kept the prayer rug out in the open. I suggested sealing it in a bag or something, but she was concerned that Jesus might suffocate)

After following these directions, B.J. was allowed to open the SPECIAL SECRET package containing her OWN PRIVATE PROPHESY. I should also probably mention the "testimonials" from "real people" who used the prayer rug and saw all their dreams come true.

Of course, this made B.J. uneasy ... it would have made me uneasy too. Therefore, we googled St. Matthew's Churches (again, note the plural) in Tulsa, Oklahoma. There were a number of hits identifying it as a scam (basically, they send you free stuff ranging from "a piece of Noah's Ark" to a shred of Joseph's coat of many colors to completely hook you before they begin asking for money or income tithing).

Well, I think this made B.J. feel a little better. We also did a Google image search and found the church (?) itself ... there were sad and pathetic pictures of scores of people in different churches all over the country. It was just very sad and unfortunate.

Well, B.J. was evidently convinced enough that it was a scam that she decided to open her OWN PRIVATE PROPHESY. I should note that she did put down the phone, go into a room by herself, and use the prayer rug first. To be completely honest, I would have done the same thing ... to not would be like setting up some sort of dark karma. She then opened her OWN PRIVATE PROPHESY and received the same "message" no doubt received by hundreds of people today.

B.J. at this point was no longer seriously freaked out about the whole thing. The more she read, the better she felt about the fact that it was clearly a scam. We got laughing about the prayer rug (thought it might be neat to bring it into work ... it was sort of fun predicting the different reactions our coworkers might have), and I told her I'd write a blog about it, just because it was such a priceless story.

The thing is, as I'm writing this, I'm getting really angry with St. Matthew's Churches (I won't emphasize the plural this time). Religion is a personal and private thing. The feeling of a higher power is something that many people find great comfort in. Taking advantage of people without the means or the common sense to investigate scams in the name of God is just beyond despicable.

You might be surprised to know that I'm a believer myself. I was raised a Catholic and though I'm pretty much lapsed at this point in my life, I think most sects of Christianity are similar in a lot of regards. Essentially, the priests or pastors or ministers or whatever-you-call-them are the "higher power" you deal with. I have an extremely important, powerful, and personal relationship with God; I don't think I need to attend church regularly to maintain this.

I mention this because I don't want anyone to view me (or especially B.J., who is pretty much a saint) as awful. Because I believe in God, and believe strongly, I feel justified in saying this:

I am confident that He was laughing right along with us.