Friday Fragments: Episode #154

A chance to recap the week in quick, fragmented bits ... Mrs. 4444 is a genius ;-)

Although I strongly believe that teaching is a yearlong 24/7 job, I was reminded yesterday of how fortunate I am in so many ways. I worked a 15-hour day yesterday (summer school followed by meetings for two separate committees), and I was compensated financially. Well-compensated. It was a good reminder of how fortunate I am to have a salaried job, particularly one that pays me a very generous hourly wage on top of that for extra work.

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Addie went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II at midnight last night. New Hampshire has a law that sixteen-year-old drivers can't drive between one and five in the morning, so I had to pick her up after the movie ended. It was kind of a long, lonely night in the movie theater parking lot, especially since I would have loved to have been at the premiere myself, being the Potthead that I am ;-).

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After much distress over not being able to figure out how to get my finished novel published, I took a deep breath and started rereading it with a fresh eye. I've made some significant cuts already. The surgery began on the lobby floor at my work ;-)

If you're interested in reading excerpts, thoughts, ideas, or what have you and weighing in, you can check out stuff about this mammoth (but completed ;-)) WIP here, here, and here.

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Belle is having a great summer, but I miss her. She is going to day camp full-time (her choice, not mine), and she's loving every minute of it ... but it's so strange not having her around all the time, especially since she's growing up so quickly.

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I wrote a piece over at Zelda Lily about a Ukrainian feminist group using topless protests to make political points. It got me thinking a lot about the point of this approach. I mean, you get attention, sure, but is it really the kind of attention you want?

I got talking to one of my girlfriends, and we decided we'd definitely participate in a topless protest if the opportunity arose, just because it would be such an interesting experience.

I mean, posting this pic (and yes, that's really me)

would get far more attention than this pic (which is also really me, and far more true to what I look like at the end of a given day ... like most people, I have a tendency to only post flattering pics of myself, so I'm breaking the mold here ;-))

It reminded me of how sad the world is in a lot of ways.

I Am Hated (And Strangely Excited About It)

I don't think most people go through life intentionally pissing others off (there are, of course, exceptions, but in general I have a pretty Pollyanna-esque view of my fellow human beings). However, I think we all do it to some degree, often by accident or by thoughtless actions that blow into drama-filled chaos or even just by a misconstrued statement.

I never thought I'd be in the position of ticking off another person so badly that she felt compelled to write an entire blog post blasting me.

I also can't believe that I'm laughing about it. I'm ridiculously sensitive (to a fault, to be completely honest), and a lot of times the tiniest bit of criticism has me virtually in tears.

I've toughened up a lot in the past year, in large part because of the divorce situation but also through working at Zelda Lily. There is a great core group of readers over there that leave thought-provoking comments taking what my colleagues and I write to a whole new level--but I have been ripped a new one on more than one occasion.

To wit:

The author here is pretending her values are absolutes that everyone should abide by, and seems outraged that there are other people don’t share her values, to the point of degrading and mocking them. Why aren’t these women allowed to like their lifetyles, exactly? Is Katie Loud going to go on a Middle East tour and tear off burkas too?

I cried when I read that comment. Bawled like a baby. And then I realized that the commenter had a point. I might feel that he misconstrued my point (the piece was an admittedly hard slam of an extremely religious website that operates under the "Husband is Master ... and Wife's Job is to Cook, Clean, and Raise Perfect Children" philosophy), but if the message I was sending was that I felt like everybody should agree with me all the time, then shame on me. You know?

So instead of flying off the handle and doing something stupidly impulsive (See? I'm getting better ;-)), I thought really hard about what was said, wrote a piece here on my personal blog explaining my frustration with the challenges of balancing feminism with religion, and resolved to be more aware of all sides of a story in the future.

In retrospect, I'm glad that that comment was made, as painful as it was for me at the time. It was a tremendous learning experience for me both as a writer and as a human being.

It has also made me able to laugh--and laugh hard--at the recent incident that's really at the heart of this post.

So back in late May/early June, when I was still a newbie at Zelda Lily, I wrote a piece about an ad featuring a bra by plus-size store Lane Bryant being refused by a couple of news networks that went on to feature ads by Victoria's Secret.

Well, evidently I really pissed somebody off ... She wrote a vitriol-filled rant against me personally and the company I work for. My words and intentions are taken completely out of context for the purpose of her piece, and for the first time I feel like I am actively hated by someone that doesn't know me from Adam.

You can read her piece here, if you're interested.

I was really angry at first, actually. Then I reread my piece almost obsessively, and I of course knew what I was trying to say so her interpretation seemed even crazier to me.

And then it occurred to me how sad it is that someone has that much hate stored up from a piece posted on June 1 to let me have it with both barrels.

Then, of course, I just laughed.

The thing is, it's fine to disagree with people. I learn a hell of a lot from people that disagree with me (or play devil's advocate) since it makes me think on so many dimensions.

What's not cool is the meanness. The comment about "Katie Loud tearing off burkas on a Middle East tour" bordered on mean, but I could see where the guy was coming from when I put it into a greater context. Ultimately, it helped me a hundred times more than a compliment would have.

I'm not being mean here. I even linked to her post so she can get page hits.

I'm not used to being hated ... and I'm kind of proud of myself for 1) not going to pieces over this, and 2) realizing that I am not the one with a problem here.

On a different note, I had one of the most traumatic events of my life happen to me today, and I'll be blogging about it tomorrow. I'm not proud of my actions (mostly because there were no actions on my part ... I was, like, the anti-feminist, ashamed as I am to admit that), and I'm still too shaken up to write about it yet.

But it's quite a story!

Do Feminism and Christianity Have to be Mutually Exclusive?

I am obsessed with thinking. In general, it's a really good thing, but sometimes it makes you realize how complicated the world is and how varied the beliefs people hold.

I've boiled down my basic life philosophy thus--I want the world to be a better place because I was here. I don't want medals or great public accolades or anything other than the knowledge that I have made a positive difference. To me, this seems very simple.

I've learned recently how divided (and paradoxically intertwined) the concepts of feminism and Christianity are. This makes absolutely no sense to me, but I've taken some hits from quite a few Zelda Lily commenters over it. I don't take the criticism personally (I learned pretty quickly that I'd never write ANYTHING--and not just for Zelda Lily--if I did that), but it really makes me think.

To me, feminism is the idea that women are in control of their own choices and the decisions that guide their lives. There are many women--and a lot of men, too--that I don't agree with, but they are able to live a life that makes sense to them. I'm able to live a life that makes sense to me. Live and let live. Leave the world a better place than you found it. If a woman wants to be a CEO or a housewife (and, of course, anything in between and beyond), that is a choice she can and should be able to make. Simply put, that's my definition of feminism. It's not that hard.

Religion is a big part of my life. I've talked about it here before so I don't feel like I need to rehash, but suffice it to say that I have a very close and personal relationship with God. I'm very familiar with the Bible and try to fit my life into the teachings found therein.

The Bible is very open to interpretation if you read it closely. I did a book study on it (that sounds kind of heretic, I know, but it was extremely valuable to me as both a human being and a Christian), and one of the most important lessons I took away from it is the dichotomy (or trichotomy or quadchotomy or whatever) there is in the major sects of Christianity that all claim to follow the tenets of the Bible. For this reason (and through conversations I've had with God through prayer), I feel that my interpretation of the Bible--one that teaches of love and forgiving and sinning and repenting and, not to sound like a broken record, but living a life brimming over with good works for others--is not just appropriate but correct. I also think God's got a great sense of humor and would totally have loved this little story about one of my best friends and a mass-produced prayer rug she received in the mail.

I found a site called Ladies Against Feminism through my work at Zelda Lily, and it just scares the crap out of me. The message it seems to send is that a woman's place is at home and at church, basically serving the men in her life (husband, father, son, whatever). I find this idea completely contradictory to my interpretation of the Bible, but whatever floats your boat, you know? Live and let live.

However, the women writing on this site aren't content to let people develop their own religious philosophies, which I think is truly necessary if your relationship with God is to be any more than just lip service, dogma, and brainwashing. I went to church every Sunday of my childhood, yet I did not have a true relationship with God until I stopped going. They are defensive, and their tunnel vision makes me deeply scared for people that are looking for quick, easy answers.

There are no quick, easy answers to most of what happens to us. My beloved step-father, one of the finest human beings in the world, died of an extremely painful cancer at a fairly young age. Charles Manson is still alive, the swastika he carved into his forehead standing out. Is this fair? Heck, no. And I could ask why forever, but that's just the way it goes. God has a plan for each of us, but presuming to know it and to slap down people that disagree with you is just wrong.

I don't presume to know very much at all, but one thing I do know is that one-sided, rigid, my-way-or-the-highway people drive me crazy. It's very hard to articulate this, and there is not any sort of forum to do so, but I needed to get this out.

Most people that know me don't think I'm a religious person. I'm fine with that--what I believe is my business, and as far as I'm concerned, I can teach far more about God's lessons through living a helpful and productive life than sitting in church every day or writing down words that I've heard so much from my father and/or husband that I believe them to be true (and just to be very clear, neither my father nor my now-ex-husband were like this--both encouraged and challenged and supported to the best of their abilities any endeavor I wanted to take on and to be the person I am inside). In order for a true and genuine relationship with God, you get there on your own.

Decrying the idea of feminism out of hand in the name of God is just flat out wrong, particularly when feminism is such a complex and individual concept and such a loaded word.

I am a feminist. I am also a Christian. I am proud to be both. They are not mutually exclusive for me, and I don't think they have to be for anyone ... provided they're willing to look at a big picture with an open mind and, more importantly, an open heart.

I am a sinner. I have done some horrible things in my life. I have been paid back for it (with interest), but even so, the sins are still there. I will never forget. All I can do is be the best person I can be and give only the best of myself to others. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes I stumble, but that is my guiding focus ... and that's all that God can ask of me.

I apologize in advance if I've offended anyone here. Please know that the God I believe in has shown me that honesty and thought are two of the most important things a human being can share. He gave me a passion for writing that makes this the vehicle I have to disseminate my thoughts in an honest manner.