Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Christmas Miracle

I am blessed with funny children. At sixteen, Addie realizes that she's kind of a laugh riot and plays it up at times. Belle doesn't always get it ... which of course makes it even funnier much of the time.

My mother was telling me the other day about a story I've heard a hundred times but had forgotten. Evidently I referred to my older brother as "Goong Goong" when I was a baby. One day, my father asked me, "What's your brother's name?" and I replied, "Goong Goong." My dad persisted, "Yeah, but what's his real name?" and, giving my father a patented are-you-an-idiot look, I said clear as day, "Adam."

Which leads me to Belle's Christmas miracle, which as a fair warning involves bathroom functions.

Okay, still with me?

Belle is a notoriously picky eater. Her main staples are cheese and chocolate, with an occasional McDonald's Happy Meal thrown in for good measure. This kid has been exposed to every fruit and vegetable and high-fiber snack in existence, and she just won't eat them.

Okay, I lied ... she eats bananas. And apple juice. Yes, those are two components of the "BRAT" diet recommended for getting rid of diarrhea.

You can probably see where I'm going here ... in essence, this kid has been a constipation emergency waiting to happen for most of her life.

The day before Christmas, I'm doing some last-minute wrapping while Belle is playing with the dogs, when all of a sudden I hear her screaming. Now, if you're a parent, you automatically recognize the pain cry and know to go running. I sprinted.

Belle was in the bathroom on the toilet, screaming at the top of her lungs. In that particular situation, there's, uh, not a whole lot someone else can do to help. I got down on the floor and held her and encouraged her and did end up putting on latex gloves and assisting somewhat.

Long story short (and it was long ... this went on for at least half an hour, poor kid), it all came out in the end.

And the kid looks up at me, her eyes shining, and exclaims, with a completely straight face, "Mommy, it's finally out. It's a Christmas miracle!"

I mean, who needs Adam Sandler, right?

We have, by the way, incorporated pears, peaches, plums, and prunes (collectively known as "the p-fruits" by Miss Belle) into her required daily diet, just to avoid any subsequent Christmas miracles.