Anniversaries--weddings, homeownership, even birthdays--are all celebrations of an event, one with theoretically happy connotations.
So what do you call the day that is the antithesis to those joyous times, the ones that come up once every year the same as the happy days? I created a word tonight when I was thinking about this--horroversary. I'm sure someone else has used this before, actually, but I'm not really in high thinking mode, so work with me a bit here.
I have several horrorversaries. One is in December, one is in January, (I suppose I have to add one these days ...) and one is tomorrow. October 23rd (also my grandfather's birthday--an anniversary for my Papa, a horroversary for me ... life is strange) is the worst. It always will be.
Ironically, my birthday is three days later, on the 26th. My mother has planned to have relatives over Sunday night to celebrate, and it's very hard to say, "I just want to be left the fuck alone for the next few days. THAT's what I want for my stupid birthday." She was on my case tonight for "sounding depressed". Oh, shit, if she only knew ... And my students, my sweet and wonderful and loving students, they have been very "sneaky" in their attempts to plan an in-class birthday party. I am trying so hard to keep my shit together on my horroversary, and everyone else is so focused on my birthday (a.k.a. my anniversary, if you want to think of it that way), and I just reread that and I realize what a selfish bitch I sound like and ...
And I guess I'm going to stop now. I'm going to bed on a double dose of Ambien and metaphorically beat myself up for the next few days over something that happened over ten years ago, when I was a completely different person.
How do you spend your horrorversary? (By the way, I truly and deeply hope that I'm the only person who suffers horrorversaries ... when Addie starts saying, "Ten days until my birthday" the first day of September, I know that I think of my horroversary--all of them, but especially this one--on the same terms. Maybe nobody reading this can relate to this in any way, shape, or form ... and if so--I AM SO GLAD FOR YOU :)
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Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm all for indulging in this horrorversary (great name, by the way). Letting yourself "be depressed" is sometimes the best way to deal so that you can be good for the other days. There's nothing selfish about being aware!!
ReplyDeleteHonestly I don't think you sound selfish. During and after my divorce, sometimes I wanted to be alone, not because I was going to kill myself but because I really didn't want to be around a bunch of people. It's perfectly normal and I think you should do what will make you happy. Don't put on a happy face and please others. (except maybe the kids at school).
ReplyDeleteI always remember the day my father died (19th May 2006), as it was also the day I went into hospital twice with a trapped sciatic nerve. In between the two he had a heart attack in my house.
ReplyDeleteThere are other things I remember from the past too, though not always the dates of them. I used those moments to remind my self that I am not that person anymore.
'If we forget the past, we are doomed to repeat it.'