Maybe because it's the week after spring vacation (or maybe because I've become more astute since committing to this blog on a serious level), I've noticed that people seem to be holding more grudges than usual. I'd expect to see this in a high school, of course, but it occurred to me how commonplace it is in real life (a.k.a. "adulthood") as well.
I think that humans are in a constant state of flux, that we are definitely better people at some times than others. I know that I personally have achieved a level of maturity that I can live with only within the last year or so. Before then, I would act like a five year old at times, realize I was acting like a five year old even as I was doing it, but was sort of powerless to change things.
Despite my leaps and bounds growth in terms of outlook on life, I'm still a grudge-holder. Well, actually, that's not entirely accurate. If someone hurts me, my family, or my friends, I can move on. I never forget, though. Not ever. And forgiveness? Well, as it is written, "To err is human, to forgive divine." I'm nowhere near divine, so I guess it's not even worth thinking about.
But grudge-holding? Getting burned and then allowing someone back into your heart and your life? Is it easy? Is it even possible?
I think it's possible on a limited basis but only in certain cases. Sometimes I wish that I could have a more optimistic outlook, but I've recently been let down by several people that I strongly believed in, and it makes me a bit cynical.
Well, as it's also written (somewhere, I'm sure ... and not in that horrible song performed by Paula Abdul), "Two steps forward, one step back."
I guess I'm as much a work in progress as anything I've ever written ... and I think maybe this is true for everyone.
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interesting topic! i did a post a while back on the two types of forgiveness that kind of addresses this. sometimes you're never going to get that apology you want, thus the grudge. anyway...thanks for stopping by my blog and following!
ReplyDeleteProgress is good. So is perspective. :)
ReplyDeleteI think there is a huge difference between forgiveness and trust. When we hold those grudges, it's us it hurts, not the person that hurt us. That's why it's so important to let go, not that knowing this makes it any easier. But forgiving someone doesn't mean you trust them again. It just means you let go so it's not hurting you any more. Trust is something that has to be earned.
The best thing I can say about this topic is this: Anger, grudges, bad feelings - all of these things are detrimental to YOU, not to the target of your feelings. Its a hard choice to make, but you cannot let yourself be poisoned by the actions of others. Call it karma, bad luck, sin, whatever. The end result is that YOU suffer, not the other person. You may not even realize it, but the usual good nature you would normally exhibit becomes lost in the turmoil of negativity. Let it go, because its quite true that you will reap what you sow. Sow only goodness, no matter that the soil is bitter and cold.
ReplyDeleteI have very wise readers ... and friends. Thank you, all : )
ReplyDeleteIt is possible to welcome back those that burned you although be warned those who play with fire... I subscribe to letting them in and being careful don't walk around with a wall of fire hydrant's, just understand you can't change people and they will most likely not ever change. It can however change you a lot and for the good. I always trust God is growing me.
ReplyDeleteTo quote from my second favorite book: The first thing apparent to you is that this world and its people are often quite wrong. To conclude that others are wrong is as far as most of us ever get. The usual outcome is that people continue to wrong you and you stay sore. Sometimes it is remorse and then you are sore at yourself. But the more you fight and try to have your way, the worse matters get. Isn’t that so? As in war, victors only to win. Your moments of triumph are short-lived.
ReplyDeleteIt is plain that a way of life, which includes deep resentment, leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile.
Forgive and Forget is an adage almost as old as time, and is very hard to do. When you forgive you let go of the grudge and the bitterness. But what if you have been 'hurt' so many times?
ReplyDeleteThe answer is in an experiment I showed my kids. You need a bowl, a jug of water and a large spoon. Slowly fill the bowl with water and ask the child to remove the water with the spoon. The water represents all the bites of injustice.
Sometimes there is too much to deal with, other times not so much, but the bowl will always be damp until it is dried by heat or evaporation.
If people are living lives that get them soaked and don't have a big enough spoon to remove the water, they will hold lots of grudges.
Of course, you could always tip the bowl out and dismiss the grudge, but all that does is leave a mess for someone else to clear up.
I am quite capable of letting people back into my life after a transgression against me so to speak. However as I've gotten older I just realized there are certain people I don't need in my life. I don't need negative nancies, drama filled individuals. That really isn't about grudge holding its just really about my quality of life.
ReplyDeleteJeannie--I think you're right, and it seems like being able to let go makes you the bigger person. I'm proud to be heading in that direction : ) Love your blog!
ReplyDeleteWindsong--That's an insightful distinction : ) I guess it's all about perspective, when you get right down to it.
Eric--"You reap what you sow." Truer words were never spoken!
T. Anne--You can't change people, and it's even harder to change yourself. I think a higher power of some sort must play a role.
Chris--That book is precious to many and is absolutely right on about this. Taking things one day at a time will inevitably lead to appreciation and, ultimately (hopefully) greater happiness.
Martin--That's an interesting analogy. To continue it, I guess I feel a bit hypocritical about being worked up about the water dripping from me when I have dumped my share on others. Of course, I can only hope that evaporation will transpire soon (on all counts).
MD--I wish I had the strength to just avoid people that gave me angst. Is it hard to do? I'm jealous!