Saturday, March 21, 2009

Middle-of-the-Night Awareness of Life's Fragility

I woke up suddenly and completely at around quarter of three this morning (it's now 3:07) in a serious state of pain.

I have chronic pancreatitis as the result of a liver situation, and every time I wake up in abdominal agony, my mind starts racing that I'm on my way back to the hospital for another week (or two weeks ... or, God forbid, another month) on a morphine drip. Having that medical condition--that degree of pain always a potential hanging over my lives--has in its way scarred me more than anything else.

In light of what happened to poor Natasha Richardson--taking a hard but seemingly not too hard fall while having a nice day of skiing with her kids, never knowing that she would be dead for most intents and purposes in just a few short hours--I can't help but reflect on the fragility of life. You never know when it's coming for you, where it's waiting for you.

I guess I'm not making much sense. It's three in the morning, give me a break : ) I'm 99.9% sure that my abdominal pain (fading now, thank God) has nothing to do with my pancreas or liver. I mean, my entire digestive system is screwed up beyond reason because of the surgeries and stents, so it's not like pain is infrequent. It's just not usually this bad. It's usually only the monster of pancreatitis that wakes me up crying in the middle of the night.

Well, I'm going back to bed now. Just figured I'd share my dubious wisdom on the subject of life's fragility ... but I don't think I did a very good job with that either ...

Good night : )