I don't know if this is a common occurrence, but with my divorce has come a rising sense of feminism. Sometimes it comes up in ways that seem facetious (yeah, I'm referencing the urinal thing again), and sometimes it's more in-your-face. This would be one of the latter times ...
Belle and I were taking a shower the other day. Belle is six and never stops talking. I have H1N1 again (if that's even possible ... it's what the doctor said, but I have my doubts) and am on that happy cough medicine that loops you out, so I was just kind of nodding and smiling while my little princess was prattling along.
Then she said, "Wouldn't it be funny if a boy's favorite toy was a Barbie?" (I think this had been prefaced by, all in one breath, "IreallylikeBarbies.IlikeMyLittle Poniestoo.Yougettocombtheirhairandmakebraids.Wouldyouteachmehowtobraid,Mommy?Ithinkbraidsaresopretty.Likethegirlonthecocoabox.CouldIpleasehavesomecocoawhenIgetout
oftheshower?"). I interrupted her babbling to say, "What's wrong with a boy liking a Barbie?", and her response was, "Well, that would be like me playing with trucks." At least she didn't wrap that up with, "As if!", but the damage was done in my heart.
My children have been raised with a lot of encouragement in terms of doing what makes you happy. Addie gravitated toward music at a very young age, so we provided her with instruments, lessons, exposure to different types of music, and praise. When she was in sixth grade, her friends all decided to join the track team. Now, Addie is never going to be an athlete, but I didn't want to pop her bubble or tell her that she couldn't do something that she seemed really excited about doing. She stuck with track that year but never did it again. It just wasn't her thing. However, it was important to me that she come to that conclusion on her own, that she discover that her own strengths and passions would be different from her friends' ... and she did.
Belle is obviously not old enough to have any sort of in-depth conversation regarding that, though. Instead, I tried to explain to her that boys can play with Barbies if they want to ("Haven't you seen a boy hairdresser?" I asked her, to which she replied, "Yes, but they only cut boys' hair" ... this child is insanely observant, I tell you) just like girls can play with balls and trucks. There was still doubt in her eyes, though, and that makes me so darn sad ... and a bit angry as well.
Although her two activities are karate and gymnastics, Belle's toys are heavy on the dress up clothes, the Barbies, and the house drudgery (yeah, who invented toy kitchens anyway?). Since she shares a name with a Disney princess, she happens to get a lot of toys, clothes, games, and books connected with that particular story. Do you think things would be different if I'd named her Jamie? Terry?
What can parents do to address this very real problem? You would like to think that children in the year 2010 would be exempt from this sort of gender stereotyping, but clearly it's still an issue. Any thoughts? Or is there even anything wrong with a little girl thinking that Barbies are better suited to her needs than ball?
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There is some research that backs up the gender differences as being natural, but I do think we take it to extremes.
ReplyDeleteGirls do gravitate towards the dolls and boys towards the machines, but what is GI Joe, but a differently dressed doll? Barbie has cars, Action Man has a house, only it's called a base of operations. Girls dress up like a fairy, boys dress up like a fireman.
The playing is the same, it's the emphasis that's different.
I think the comment you left on my blog applies. Lead by example. Belle is still going to make her own choices, but you can encourage, communicate and be an example. :)
ReplyDeleteMy older son loves pink! He just loves it. My younger loves horses and the bright colors of My Little Pony really fascinate him. Neither of them have been exposed to school/day care though, which I'm sure brings in all kinds of new ideas/teasing etc. I often wonder if they'll still like these things once they get into school.
Guess I was lucky having one of each - Daughter had her own tool set by the time she went to Uni, and will tackle anything. Son once told a small friend who queried his doll 'When I grow up, I'll know what to do for my babies'. Actually he did things for somebody else's, as he inherited 3 ready made ones, as it turned out. I rarely took notice of the boy/girl, pink/blue thing with the kids, any more than I do with myself. It must have rubbed off on them a bit - or they learned by example?!
ReplyDeleteI think you're already doing the right thing by encouraging Belle to explore all things, but make her own decision.
ReplyDeleteOddly enough, my dad really wanted girls. When ma got pregnant, he would say 'when she is born.' When they found out ma was carrying twins, dad persisted with 'when the girls are born'. My dad was not into sports and 'boy' things. But, when my sis and I did finally show up, we were in the dirt, climbing trees, riding horses, running up and down the creeks barefooted, peeing in the woods behind the house rather than going inside to the bathroom and sword fighting right from the off. Any dolls we had were immediately stripped naked, given a jungle girl scrap of clothing and plopped onto a horse toy. Ma dressed us in the CUTEST dresses and patent leather shoes. But she never stopped us from running wild.
In the opposite, my boss' little boy loves nothing better than to try on all of our shoes when we're getting ready to go out. (all of us are in our twenties and regularly go out dancing, or to dinner) I'm not kidding you, Seth walks (and runs) better in my heels than I do. But then he'll take them off and go kick the soccer ball around. Then he throws his sister's feather boa on and gives us a runway walk.
Kids are kids. What's important is that you support them in doing their own thing, and while they're learning what their own thing is. And I'd say you've got that covered :)
I grew up with 5 brothers and we played 'boy' games (cops and robbers, etc.). I also have a sister who is 6 years older. She'd give me the makeup she didn't want from her makeup club subscription. So I ended up a girly girl who likes to watch football and Nascar...and I hate the color pink! lol!
ReplyDeleteHm, I played with cars when I was really young, mostly because my dad taught it was fun so he got him for me and i was the first child. Then when I got older and made friends who had barbies I made the switch, always want what the others have :) I think you can influence you kid a bit, but they will have their own opinions and personalities.
ReplyDeleteMartin: That's a good point, although I would have been beaten up by my brother had I referred to his G.I. Joes as "dolls" ;)
ReplyDeleteNisa: I think you're right about school. Belle never seemed attuned to this until she started school and was surrounded by other kids and the prejudices and stereotypes they carry with them (and one of her kindergarten classmates told her that the tooth fairy is fake before she'd even lost a single tooth, which also concerned me).
Jinksy: They clearly had a great example to follow : )
A.: It's funny how some parents "want" one gender over the other. I'm glad it worked out well for your dad, although I think twins would definitely give me pause ;)
JJ: It's all about the balance : ) Pink, yuck!
Carina: I like your point about birth order and perhaps it being a bit different for an oldest child. I had a very masculine older brother and a very feminine younger sister, so I just remember taking the best of both worlds in terms of what I wanted to play (I think my "Star Wars" action figures got married a lot lol)
i think it's so hard to get away from it, because even if you take care at home, they're getting it at school from their peers and they're definitely getting it from the advertising that's all around them. you'll just have to keep gently pointing out that if boys want to play with barbie, it's ok.
ReplyDeleteFeminists and politically-correct people have worked so hard to deny gender differences and preferences, that when they assert themselves anyway, it always upsets them. ;-) I think it's funny.
ReplyDeleteAnd despite their efforts to stamp out those differences, or to stamp out people's perceptions of those differences, they still exist anyway. Might as well embrace those differences instead of rejecting them. There isn't a problem with gender stereotyping, some people only THINK there's a problem. ;-)
She MIGHT be different if you named her a boy's name, as "Freakonomics" states. People live up (or down) to their names.