I'm appalled. There's no other word for it.
Anyone who reads this blog with any regularity knows that I take pains to keep references to my personal life rooted in philosophy, in thinking. Most are also probably aware that, despite my best efforts to work things out, I'm doing the divorce thang.
What I'm throwing up here now is an informal log of the past four nights, nights when Pythagoros was supposed to call Belle at seven and didn't. What this means, of course, is that he's drinking again. Either that or he's found some other substance ti send him off the deep end.
How do I know that? The man I love(d) would never, ever disappoint his precious Belle. Not one night, never four nights.
And yet ...
Friday, 9/4: No call, no explanation from Pythagorus beyond, "I fell asleep". Belle left a good night message at my insistence, cried afterwards as I killed myself trying to help her process, wanted to know why Daddy didn't call, was he okay, maybe I should call the police because he might have been hit by a car, and so it goes.
Saturday, 9/5: Pythagorus did not respond to various calls/e-mails so did not get the message that Belle would be at a rehearsal dinner for a wedding (she was a flower girl in my cousin's wedding). He did call at seven but was acting confused, defensive, and argumentative when I spoke with him. Did not answer when Belle called upon returning home. Belle did not want to leave a message and, as she was exhausted and quite upset, I did not force her as I usually do when this happens. We both fell asleep crying.
Sunday, 9/6: Called Pythagorus from my cousin's wedding reception at seven. No answer. I forced Belle to leave a good-night message despite her lack of enthusiasm (to say the least). I also sent some pictures of Belle in flower girl glory and encouraged Pythagorus to view others on Facebook. No reply at all. In fact, he never looked at them (as of a Monday afternoon conversation between he and I).
Monday, 9/7: No call. Forced Belle to leave a good-night message for Pythagorus. She asked why, since he never seems to get her messages or he wouldn't keep "forgetting"--kid's got a logical point. I also had to explain to Belle why we didn't go to Friendly's for lunch as "Daddy promised" a few days ago that he would be visiting Monday and taking her to Friendly's.
Am I crazy to be appalled? Am I crazy to think this whole mess is just ... crazy?
Am I crazy to wish that Pythagorus would just be a douchetard like this all the time since he'd been so solidly himself for weeks before this transgression that I (and more importantly Belle) was starting to believe in him again and since I know he'll go back to being himself in a few days.
What do you do when you love Dr. Jekyll dearly ... but truly want to kill Mr. Hyde?
And does it really matter anyway when your kids are suffering the way mine are right now?
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Dr. Jekyll is just as bad as Mr. Hyde, if not worse. Hyde is a monster, and he can't help that. Jekyll knowingly lets him out. You're going more than the extra mile to not be a parent who turns their child against the other parent, which is extraordinarily admirable in this case. Her point about "forgetting" is heartbreaking, as is the image of her terrified that her daddy has been hit by a car. Jekyll allows this to happen; it's all part of the one package.
ReplyDeletei would suggest that belle not be privy to the agreed upon times for calls. esp. if hyde is going through an inconsistent phase (it sounds like he's done this before). what belle doesn't know won't hurt her as far as his lackadaisical attitude to calling and being responsible. sounds like a difficult situation for you and her. i can't imagine trying to explain to my daughter why her dad wouldn't call. depending on how old belle is, it's not unreasonable for her to be in on what hyde's problem really is (daddy has an unhealthy reliance on substances--and you can explain this if she's old enough--that sometimes change how he acts) simple. easy. effective. anyway...just some suggestions to make a tough time possibly easier. it's what i would tell a client, anyway. best of wishes.
ReplyDeletejeannie
Where Romance Meets Therapy
My ex-wife would make various promises about being home from her weekends away 'on business' and never keep them. In the end I stopped her making promises and said to the boys that when mum said 6pm she usually meant 10pm.
ReplyDeleteIf no promises are made, then there is no disappointment. It sounds harsh, but that is the situation I found myself in.
My heart goes out to you and Belle. It's an awful situation and not of your own making and crying together is a good way to help Belle. It helped me and my youngest boy and occasionally the two teenagers.
Question: Why are you insisting that your daughter leave messages?
ReplyDeleteI think too that it would be best not to give her a set time that he would call, it leads her up to disappointment, I also wouldn't force her to call and leave a message if she doesn't want too. If she is angry he hasn't called and doesn't feel like calling him, she has a right to those feelings.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about what's going on. It's one thing as an adult to have this happen - you're disappointed, but can process.
ReplyDeleteI agree with other commentors, why force Belle to leave a message? Why should your daughter pay for his horrible behavior?
If she wants to call, let her, if she doesn't, well, he'll be the one paying. He'll need to regain her trust and maybe him losing it is what will be his rock bottom.
*Hugs* I feel for you. My son's father is not in his life and had (and probably still does)a serious drinking problem. It was sad and hard and I still hope he gets his act together someday. He hasn't seen my son in over 5 years. You just stay strong and do the best you can.
ReplyDeleteMy latest and greatest ex...lots of issues and drama...and drinking. Ugh. I love the Dr. Jekyll and miss him horribly (it's been two months since I moved out) but Dr. Hyde was a nightmare...he suffocated me.
Am wishing you the best.
I'm fortunate to have a connection with so many positive, kind, and helpful people : ) Thank you!
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, but it never occurred to me not to force Belle to leave a message. I've been obliquely accused of keeping her from her father, and I want to make sure that this is not a valid concern in any way, shape, or form. Thank you for helping me see that worrying about how things will look in court are 100% secondary to my little girl's comfort and happiness.
The onus is on him to call and say good night as he's repeatedly promised to do. I don't know why I sometimes have to make things so much more complicated than they really are ... ;)
We always make things complicated when we want the best for our kids. ALL parents who love their kids are guilty.
ReplyDelete