I was raped in the winter of 1998.
I hadn't thought of the rape in a long time, since getting a fragile peace in April of 2009 from my good friend that was mixed up in the whole mess. Making sure he knew the whole story was important to me in 2009 (click here to see why).
In 2014, I have been talking more about the fact that I was raped. I do not want to talk about the rape. I do not want to talk about it with my therapist. I do not want to talk about it with my husband. I do not want to talk about it with anybody.
But since I mentioned it, I have had three separate people contact me and tell me that they also had been raped, sexually abused, or otherwise tortured. I had no idea how prevalent it was, how many unspoken stories there are.
And I wonder if it is time for me to talk about it.
I have no idea how many people read this blog, and I'm under no illusion that it's a staggering number. I don't want to write a piece about rape that nobody will read, but by the same token I don't want to write about this traumatic event and have people read it just because it's got a buzzword.
I will tell you one thing about my rape. I had to have part of my body surgically repaired. Remember that hemorrhoid surgery? Yeah, not a bad cover story...my mother didn't even know. So it's a bit gory.
In therapy, they are trying to make me do a play-by-play. I don't want to talk about it. I want to forget about it.
But that's not possible.
Writing has always been a better medium for me.
My story is a lesson in stupidity (don't ever put your drink down, even for a second), but it's also a lesson in pain and the long lasting effects of such a trauma.
One thing I've learned in the past few months is that I am still impacted by that event. It has, in many ways, shaped my adult life.
But is it worth sharing?
I'm not sure ...
I hadn't thought of the rape in a long time, since getting a fragile peace in April of 2009 from my good friend that was mixed up in the whole mess. Making sure he knew the whole story was important to me in 2009 (click here to see why).
In 2014, I have been talking more about the fact that I was raped. I do not want to talk about the rape. I do not want to talk about it with my therapist. I do not want to talk about it with my husband. I do not want to talk about it with anybody.
But since I mentioned it, I have had three separate people contact me and tell me that they also had been raped, sexually abused, or otherwise tortured. I had no idea how prevalent it was, how many unspoken stories there are.
And I wonder if it is time for me to talk about it.
I have no idea how many people read this blog, and I'm under no illusion that it's a staggering number. I don't want to write a piece about rape that nobody will read, but by the same token I don't want to write about this traumatic event and have people read it just because it's got a buzzword.
I will tell you one thing about my rape. I had to have part of my body surgically repaired. Remember that hemorrhoid surgery? Yeah, not a bad cover story...my mother didn't even know. So it's a bit gory.
In therapy, they are trying to make me do a play-by-play. I don't want to talk about it. I want to forget about it.
But that's not possible.
Writing has always been a better medium for me.
My story is a lesson in stupidity (don't ever put your drink down, even for a second), but it's also a lesson in pain and the long lasting effects of such a trauma.
One thing I've learned in the past few months is that I am still impacted by that event. It has, in many ways, shaped my adult life.
But is it worth sharing?
I'm not sure ...
.JPG)
I think it's worth sharing if 1) It will help you in any way to share it, and 2) because it might, it *just might* help some other girl or woman avoid getting into the same situation you got in.
ReplyDeleteI also feel the need to say that setting your drink down does not mean you were stupid. I don't believe you were stupid. Stupidity did not cause your rape. A sexual predator who set out to find an innocent trusting person who did not look at the entirety of their world with suspicion and distrust, caused your rape. The full guilt lies on the brute who did this to you. You might feel the guilt (and by saying this I in no way mean to say that you're wrong to feel guilty. I don't think there's any 'right' way to feel about rape. I've never been raped, but I'm quite sure I'd feel guilty, and be convinced I could have done something different and stopped it, and I'm not a therapist) but I want you to know that I will never look at a rape victim and feel that they are in any way guilty of causing their own trauma. Perhaps they could have done things differently, but however the rape came to occur, no victim ever deserved it, or caused it. Not in my eyes.
I once got in a public fight in a bar when I saw a man trying to virtually carry a girl out. We live in a college town and maybe that girl had simply drunk herself under the table and the guy was a good person trying to help. But maybe she'd just had one drink, and this guy had slipped her something and was trying to hurt her. I'll never know, and it's not important. The only important thing was that I stopped a total stranger from carrying an unconcious girl away. Instead the bartender and I called both a cab and a number on her cell phone (which turned out to be her roommate) and arranged for the cab to take the girl home, where the roommate would be waiting. A time frame was established so the roommate knew when her friend was leaving, and when she should get home and there was no 'missing time' wherein the cabbie could stop and do anything to her. Which wasn't likely, but we weren't taking any chances. The guy who'd been so adamant that he was just a good samaritan? He wanted no part of the cab idea and left. And we couldn't stop him, because he hadn't done anything wrong. That night. Maybe he really was a decent guy who got disgusted that we didn't trust his intentions. Maybe he wasn't. I'll never know.
I can't help but think that death by firing squad would be appropriate for rapists. I'm not a violent person, but they are. And their sort of violence isn't something you can just forget about, it's something you carry with you. I'd to anything to keep people from suffering at their hands.
I apologize for rambling. Whether or not you choose to share your experience, I support you.
Many people have found writing memoirs about their experiences therapeutic. So, writing about it in your blog may be, also. But, I think, a different forum is better: a memoir or magazine article or fictionalized account. That's just my opinion.
ReplyDeleteYes yes yes! Let it out. It's the only way to truly heal from somthing so awful.
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot of courage to share what you are going through, Katie. But letting it out will surely help you recover from the trauma you had. Never keep yourself trapped alone with the pain, because it would only leave you broken. Be strong and keep moving. I know you can do it!
ReplyDeleteChin Angevine @ Scheiner Law Group, P.C.