I got talking to some of my students today, and several opined that "the world would be boring" if everyone treated each other with kindness and respect. It really got me thinking about how old I'm getting.
No, I'm serious ...
There are people that I don't like. Quite a few, actually. There's even one that I hate. I still try to treat them well. I really and truly do (well, not the one I hate ... he should be castrated with a rusty spoon).
But I didn't always.
And now that I find myself in kind of a zen place, I am almost manic about wanting to apologize for past events. The problem is, I can't. I mean, a lot of these transgressions are years old, and if I contacted someone and said, "Yeah, I'm sorry for ....", I'm afraid it might reopen cans of worms better left alone.
Part of it might be that I'm realizing that there are people out there that probably, on some level, owe me an apology or two. I do not expect them, I do not even really want them as everything that has happened to me--the good, the bad, and the ugly--has shaped the person I am today.
So I am going to be completely selfish and post some apologies here, so that I know, even if the other party doesn't (they are very general and very anonymous), that I am truly and deeply sorry.
Please feel free to add any of your own "anonymous apologies" in the comments better. It definitely made me feel better ...
In no particular order, especially not chronological:
* I'm sorry that I judged you based on what others said and consequently blew you off and spoke ill of you until it led to something of an infamous feud between us that should never have happened.
* I'm sorry I used you as a chauffeur to drive me and my boyfriend around so we could make out in the back.
* I'm sorry I didn't realize how serious your problems were until it was too late. I would have helped you if I could have.
* I'm sorry that I am not good at sharing when I am going through a rough patch and start dropping balls that impact other.
* I'm sorry I threw a breast pump at you.
* I'm sorry I am disorganized and forgetful.
* I'm sorry that I am not good about staying in touch ... I miss our epic e-mail friendship.
* I'm sorry that I gave you the wrong impression, with words and deeds.
* I'm sorry that I didn't handle 12/30 well ... I think about that terrible loss every day and will for the rest of my life.
* I'm sorry that I stopped visiting with you because my feelings for him got in the way.
* I'm sorry that I don't play with you all the time and sometimes let you watch too much TV.
* I'm sorry that you don't know me at all ... I wish things were different.
* I'm sorry that I saw you in downtown Portsmouth and I'm pretty sure you were homeless. I own some of that, and it eats me up inside.
* I'm sorry that I caused you so much worry and pain throughout my life. I love you and am so grateful that we've managed to develop a close and loving relationship.
* I'm sorry that I don't visit you like I should because I can't get over my fear of flying.
* I'm sorry that I judged you on appearances.
* I'm sorry, forever and always.
* I'm sorry that I can't seem to express to you how incredibly proud I am of you without embarrassing you.
* I'm sorry that my past actions, failures, nasty comments, bitchiness, and general bad behavior have negatively impacted you in any way.
That was incredibly cathartic :-)