Patrick Swayze Not Perfect, Lovable as Hell in Spite of It

The Time of My Life, a recently released memoir by Patrick Swayze and his wife Lisa Niemi, underscores the fact that Swayze was one in a million even as it addresses his flaws.

Among Niemi's disclosures (from Popeater):

* Swayze was an alcoholic, a condition that peaked in 2006.
"I felt like I didn't have a husband. At the beginning of Al-Anon meetings [for families and loved ones of alcoholics] they say something about sharing the feeling of being unwanted, unloved and alone. That's how I felt. In the early days I encouraged him to seek help, but a big point of Al-Anon is you have to take care of your own life. Trying to change him was a losing battle."

* The couple separated briefly to deal with this issue.
"I hoped it wasn't over. But it was not going to work out if something didn't change. It was tough being with somebody in that much pain, distress and insanity, along with the massive quantities of alcohol that takes everything in its path, sucking it down this black hole. I'd gone through bad times before. But this time he was going completely down and I didn't want to go down with him."

* Swayze was sexually reserved.
"Now I bet someone will pop up and say, 'I slept with him.' I remember going to a movie set and someone saying, 'All he's been talking about is you.' Some rap singers told him how jealous they were of all the women he must have had, and he said, 'Sorry to disappoint you, that's not my thing.' He was quite a prude. I never saw him as sexy. I remember soon after we married I looked at him and was surprised how good-looking he was. He didn't want to be recognized for something as superficial as being a sex symbol."

* On the pancreatic cancer that killed him.
"Some feelings are extreme, some are a general malaise, sometimes it's like someone has poured gasoline on me and set me on fire. A lady who also lost her husband to pancreatic cancer says that it doesn't get better, just more bearable. I want to repaint some rooms in the house, but can't decide on the paint. It's that kind of lethargy. If I get one thing accomplished in a day, I'm happy."

This sort of gritty, real love story doesn't seem to happen too much in the celeb world. It's a tragedy that it had to end ... but a great message to those of us questioning whether romantic love does in fact exist.

Kind of Maverick-y: John McCain Does Not Freak Out Over Gay Site

There were two schools of folks that John McCain managed to score points with today. (He also scored points with me, I might add, for handling the situation with far more grace and humor than that vehemently anti-gay hypocrite from Alaska Sarah Palin would have).

Basically, Senator McCain became quite excited that he had stepped toward joining the modern world by sending a self-taken picture (with no mirror flash, I might add … he’s way ahead of where I was when I took my first iPic) via his Twitter account. I mean, that’s kind of cute, when you get right down to it. Unfortunately, his parents children never taught him about the consequences of sending pictures out into cyberspace.

From TMZ:
The “Maverick” was just tryin’ to show the world that he could take a pic of himself on his iPhone—when somebody ripped the image from his Twitter page and posted it on “Guys with iPhones”—a website featuring men clutching their phones … and often themselves.

So … becoming technologically savvy? Check. Not freaking out about his image appearing on a “notorious gay porn website”? Check.

You lone dissenter, as an intellectual, an artist, or a politician, who takes an independent stand apart from his or her associates maverick, you!

NBA's K-Mart Lives up to Name, Looks Corny

Denver Nuggets power forward Kenyon Martin apparently cannot take a joke, even on April Fool’s Day.

Former Nuggets ball boy Laquan Johnson took Martin’s keys from the locker room and proceeded to stuff the star’s Range Rover (which boasts a pristine formerly pristine white interior) with hot buttered popcorn.

According to ESPN Sports, what happened next went something like this:
Angered, he (Martin) went back to the locker room spewing profanities and threats at teammates and other members of the organization.

"That ain't no [expletive] joke," Martin said. "I'm going to find out who did it ... put my [expletive] hands on one of y'all. I'm going to put my hands on whoever did it. You better believe that. It's [expletive] personal. You better believe it."

Martin, who has missed 15 games with a torn patella tendon in his left knee, threatened to boycott the postseason if he did not find out who was responsible.

"How 'bout if I don't play in the playoffs until somebody tells me who did it," Martin said more than once.

The story ended with the ball boy apologizing to Martin and taking responsibility by agreeing to have the car cleaned and de-kerneled.

According to a source at the Nuggets organization, “It was just an April Fool’s joke that went horribly wrong. The kid thought it would be funny and it wasn't. Kenyon was back at practice today and everything was fine between him and his teammates."

Perhaps … until next April Fool’s Day, of course. Or until a date brings the dregs of a popcorn bag home from the movie theater. His Range Rover is tapped by a grocery cart at the market. You know, LIFE??

Oh, and did I forget to mention that there’s video footage?

The Long and Short of It

First Lady Michelle Obama, a Harvard-educated lawyer, a fashionista credited with bringing brands like J. Crew back from oblivion, and the mother of two seemingly well-adjusted children, is being lauded for her … height?

People is pointing out that the 5’11” Mrs. Obama is the tallest First Lady on record—tied for the title with Eleanor Roosevelt.

Compared to the other wives of presidents, Mrs. Obama is a towering figure. Dolly Madison was a mere 5' 4," Abigail Van Buren 5' 6," Jackie Kennedy (who was considered tall) 5' 7" and Bess Truman a "sturdy" 5' 9," says the article, which also offers Mrs. Obama's take on the 5' 5" Hillary Clinton – whose legacy, she says, "left a space for me to be who I am today. She left open a broader possibility of what a first lady could be."

So how does this translate to the land of celebrity? How do women famous in the biz (sorry in advance about the bad pun here) measure up? Here is a list of highs and lows (sorry, I’m in rare form today …)

Female celebs 5’10” and over include Geena Davis, Macy Gray, Taylor Swift, Brooke Shields, Anna Nicole Smith, volleyball’s Gabrielle Reece, Kim Cattrall, Mandy Moore, Elizabeth Berkley, Brigitte Nielson, Kelly Killoren-Bensimon, Courtney Love, Jordin Sparks, Nicole Kidman (especially when placed in close proximity to former husband Tom Cruise), Tyra Banks, Maria Sharapova, Rebecca Romijn, Kimora Lee Simmons, Blake Lively, Naomi Campbell, Julia Roberts, Jerry Hall, Venus Williams, Liv Tyler, Padma Lakshmi, Lucy Lawless (she’s a warrior princess—no surprise there), and Gisele Bundchen.

Under 5’2” are Erykah Badu (whose new album is amazing), America Ferrara, Fergie, Paula Abdul, Kellie Pickler, Christina Milian, Pat Benatar (Is there going to be a movie of her life as a singing waitress on the heels of The Runaways?), Kristen Bell, Ellen Page, Shakira, Christina Aguilera, Janeane Garofalo, Tila Tequila, Reese Witherspoon, Hillary Duff, Salma Hayek, Jada Pinkett Smith, Judy Garland, Nicole Richie, Lil’ Kim, Eva Longoria, and Nikki Blonsky.

Any surprises here? I, for example, would have sworn that Charlize Theron was at least 5’11” …

Yes, There's a Banana on My Windshield (or, "Friendship Rocks")

Friendship is an amazing thing. It's so odd how you can connect so strongly and completely with other people sometimes. Perhaps the best part, as far as I'm concerned, is when someone truly gets your sense of humor ... especially when the sense of humor in question is as ridiculous as mine is. What a treasure it is, as long as it is around, to feel completely understood for once.

So I had court today. No, I didn't do anything wrong (much to the chagrin of my students, who thought it was hysterical that I had to miss half a day of work to go to court); this was just the final chapter in the great divorce debacle. To say that I was upset and anxious would be a gross understatement and, despite my trip to Starbucks after dropping Addie off at school (I thought I could use the time to WRITE but--surprise, surprise--nothing was coming), I found myself almost to the courthouse nearly an hour early. I spent much of that time on the phone with Andy, who listened to me freak out as he is so good at doing.

Andy's current job involves bananas. And driving. A lot. I'll leave it at that. We have the kind of friendship where we laugh at everything; even things that are really serious somehow become funny, I swear. Anyway, Andy is referred to by some people he works with as "Banana Boy", and so there's this running joke that his alter ego, Banana Boy, is really a superhero with magic powers. It sounds very stupid when I write it and I'm sure it sounds very stupid as you read it, but it's just hysterical when it comes up in reality. Anyway, I had to explain that so you can fully appreciate what happened next, a lesson in friendship and being there for someone and, most importantly, making life a little more humorous.

I left my CrackBerry in my car when I went into the courtroom because I was scared it would ring in the middle of court or something (and I have a tendency to think it is on "vibrate" when it really isn't). When I got back to my car, I got in and turned my phone on. I noticed that I had a text from Andy, so I read it and could not stop laughing. It read:

"LOOK ... down in the alley ... it's a cat ... it's a dog ... no, it's BANANA BOY!!!! Here I come to peal away ... Banana Boy will save your day ..."

It just cracked me up like you cannot imagine. So I pull out of the parking lot and am on my way to work, and I call Andy to thank him for the text. I cannot stop laughing, and then he starts talking about "the banana", and I stop laughing because I'm very confused.

ANDY: "You mean you didn't see it?"

ME: "See what?"

ANDY: "The banana I left on your windshield."

ME: "There's no banana on my windshield."

ANDY: "I left a banana on your windshield."

ME: "There's no ... Oh, shit, there's a banana on my windshield."

And of course that was it for both of us. Hysteria ensued. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time, and trust me when I tell you that it was necessary.

I teach literary symbolism to my freshmen, and it occurred to me today while talking about shoes as a symbol in Sandra Cisneros' The House on Mango Street that Andy's banana, dropped off while he was working in the area, was a symbol of sorts. "I'm here," that banana said. "I know you're upset and scared and hurt and all sorts of bad things, but someone is showing that they are here for you--metaphorically speaking--and thinking of what you're going through." Able to send a message that serious while causing me to laugh hard enough to pee my pants (not literally, of course) ... Andy is the best friend ever, and I will never forget both his support and his laughter today.

What are some memorable moments your best friend has given you?

Things that Creep you Out

Ah, fear. There are many things that I live in abject fear of, but those things are either too potentially frightening or too abstract to put into words. Therefore, I've compiled a list of things that creep me out, make me upset, cause the diarrhea-is-forthcoming-if-you-don't-solve-this-soon feeling in my stomach.

* Snakes.
My mom told me once that having an aversion to snakes is among the most common and that it's a Biblical thing (or maybe The Bible cashed in on a common aversion to snakes). All I know is, I hate snakes. Hate them. My family was climbing a mountain once and a snake slithered out in front of me. Yeah, totally passed out ...

* Thunderstorms
My hysteria over thunderstorms is actually tied directly to my fear (not aversion, not hysteria, FEAR) of losing control (can't take airplanes, struggle with riding in a car when someone else is driving, et cetera). They are noisy and shake the house. The lightning flashes incessantly. The dogs get scared. The Weather Channel goes crazy with beeping out the warnings and watches and advisories ... and I just quake. I hate thunderstorms. HATE.

* Toenails
All right, this is an odd one, I admit. In fact, I don't think I've heard of anyone else with the capacity to get worked up over toenails. One day when I was a kid, I was climbing up the cement front stairs and I caught a toenail on the cement and it just peeled off (quite painful). I have hated toenails ever since, even getting inexplicably upset when people rub their toenails on the backs of their heels (it makes a horrible sound to my ears) or on something else.

What are some things that creep you out? Where is the line that you draw between "creep out" and "frighten"? I can tell you, if you wanted to drive me insane, wrap a snake around my neck and pluck on my toenails in the middle of a thunderstorm. I assure you, you'd get results. I wouldn't be ... afraid ... exactly, though. It's the distinction between fear and dislike/annoyance that I'm trying to clarify here.

What do you think?

**Happy Easter, by the way. I wrote a fairly meaningful post last Easter ... it's right here, so check it out if you're interested. I just don't have it in me this year, know what I mean?**

Rats! Michael Jackson’s Doctor Turns to EBay

The fallout from Michael Jackson’s death continues nearly a year after the fact. The latest victim? A 2004 Chevy SSR truck owned by Jackson’s doctor/friend/sperm donor Arnold Klein. According to TMZ, Klein “can’t bare (sic) to ride in it since the singer’s death.”

In a creepy development from an already ridiculously creepy situation, Klein and Jackson evidently used to tool around Hancock Park where the movie Willard was filmed. From TMZ:
Dr. Klein tells TMZ Jackson loved driving over to the "Willard" house in Hancock Park. It's the house where the movie "Willard" was filmed -- it's kind of the monster version of MJ's song, "Ben."
Klein says Michael believed the house was populated by aliens and monsters.



And in a twist that could only come from the Jacksonian saga, Klein has put the truck up on EBay. Although its alleged value is over $30,000, the highest bid as of yesterday (April Fool’s Day, incidentally) was $9,100.

Does this mean we are finally sick of the whole Michael Jackson debacle? Can we let what remains of his legacy intact without more too-bizarre-to-be-real-yet-too-bizarre-to-be-made-up tidbits like this coming out of the woodwork? There are rats in the basement, all right …