I Will be Positive if it Kills Me

In my new effort to be positive, I've been wracking my brain to try to come up with ten positive things that happened to me today. I'm trying to get my groove back, to say sayonara to the "Negative Nellie" that has been living my life for me of late.

It's funny, but when I went to make the list, I struggled. I understand why--it was not exactly what one would call a stellar day--but I think it's a start. Maybe.

Why, yes it is!

1. I had two pumpkin coffees from Dunkin' Donuts today. Mmmmmmmm.

2. There are people at work that understand my frustrations.

3. I got to work with the sixth grade teachers in conjunction with the literacy specialist to focus on how to improve student writing, and we had some great conversations.

4. I'm reading Helter Skelter again.

5. I'm not sleeping, but it's better than the alternative (I fell asleep with a lot of medicinal help Friday night, and I had horribly unspeakable nightmares that I could not wake up from--stupid Ambien).

6. I know what I need. It's not necessarily what I want, but it's what I need.

7. My car should be fixed tomorrow, and if not they will let me use a loaner. I am so grateful to my mother for letting me use her car while mine has been in the shop.

8. I figured out how to view pictures on my Droid. How scary is it when a "SmartPhone" is smarter than you are?

9. I taught Belle negative numbers. Stop laughing, those of you that know me in reality. I honest to goodness did ... if you ask the child, "What is 3-6," she'll reply, "Negative 3." I'm not going to lie and say she understands the concept behind it, but I think that's pretty impressive.

10. Addie was going to stay home sick today (she has a cold), but she dragged herself out of bed, got dressed, brushed her teeth, and so on in just under ten minutes. I was very impressed with her responsibility (she had driver's ed and a chemistry lab and stuff).

So that's ten good things ... the bads would be a much longer list, but I'm trying to change my attitude. Trying desperately.

Mind over matter, right?

Musings ...

Barq's root beer has been a constant. Pill bottles. Empty bottles of 151 smashed on the side of the road. Laughing. Milk chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your hand. "You are my mistress". "Come burn with us". "It's not rape when you ask for it". There is no "I" in team. THAT drama again? Full-sleeve. Eight ball. $2400. Ghettofantastic. Quarter pounder with cheese at 1:30 a.m. The American with George Clooney SUCKED. Own the road. Empty promises. I love the way you lie. 211. Descendant from Ireland married a slave. Secretary. Pumpkin ale. Negative numbers. The Scarlet Letter. "You're cute". That was fucking amazing. Two seater sports car at the beach. To change a tire. Your car's safe for the road, but about to blow up. Good friends pulling through--especially PH, JG, ST-S, SW, AB, DS, and SH, who are always there when I need them. BK and BB are sometime there when I need them--on their terms, of course. PL is gone, and I really miss him sometimes. Crown Royale. Driving the old lady mobile. DROID.

Is "Use Me" Tatooed to My Forehead?

I only ask because ... well, it's been an interesting fall, let's leave it at that. I'll get into specifics at some point about most of it, but here's just one example of why I sometimes question the point of my existence on this earth. Am I merely here to fulfill the needs of other people?

Ahem ...

So Pythagorus, my erstwhile ex-husband, asked me last weekend while he was visiting with Belle if I would write a letter to the DMV stating that he's been sober for six months.

Here are the problems I have with that:

1. He has NOT been sober for the past six months, which I know for a fact because there was a hospitalization incident in July. He was asking me to lie to the government. Like, knowingly lie.

2. How the hell would I of all people even know if he's been sober for the past six months? I don't live with him or anywhere near him. Even if he told me he'd been sober, how would I know? He has certainly lied to me about it enough, swearing on Belle's life that he was sober when his blood alcohol level was at a. 39.

3. The essence of his alcoholic self is unchanged. The sweet, kind man I married is gone. Whether he's actually drinking right now or not, he is bitter, sarcastic, sneaky, passive aggressive, and emotionally cruel. What this tells me is that he will be drinking again as soon as he has the opportunity--he is currently the epitome of a "dry alcoholic", and I know in my heart that, as soon as he can drive himself to the liquor store, he'll be doing so.

I get so frustrated sometimes with always giving and giving and giving--and it's never quite enough. No, people always want more. I give freely to my daughters and my students and my mother (usually), but I'm really going to work on telling everyone else to fuck off.

That's not true, of course--it's against the very core of who I am--but it made me feel better to write it ;)

Oh, and that letter?

I just said no ...

How Asinine Are Political Signs, Anyway?

The new focus of my bitter cynicism (which is newly developed, by the way ... I used to be a really positive person, I swear) is political signs.

Okay, here's the thing. I have developed quite an interest in politics of late and actually know what I'm talking about a lot of the time. Not just on the issues, either, although I like to think I'm pretty on top of it with those.

No, I guess you could say that I've gotten very busy looking at the ugly white underbelly of the political machine, with United States Senatorial candidates decrying women in the military (along with masturbation in any manifestation) and the executive branch caving to pressure from a nutty fringe group that won't hold itself together until the next election and people hating on other religions in the name of politics and just all sorts of garbage like that.

But that doesn't really get me thinking, not the way I like to think. Nope, what I ponder is the usefulness, the purpose, of political signs.

People over eighteen fall into one of three basic categories:

1. They know exactly who they want to vote for.
2. They don't give a rodent's derriere about voting.
3. They will vote for the person who is recommended by a family member or close friend.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that political signs placed on lawns and roadsides are intended to sway that third group ... but as far as I can tell, all it does is advertise who people living in a certain home are voting for.

What if you hate your neighbor, for example? What if there's a big, fat "Sarah Palin 2012" sign (heaven forbid) in the yard, so you decide to NOT vote for Sarah Palin just out of spite? Stranger things have happened, after all ...

Even more, though, I drive around a lot and it's very interesting to see the demographics of where certain political signs turn up. And sometimes I'll think to myself, "Wow, that's Bob Jones' house. I never knew he was a Republican. Weird ..."

I mean, I guess the people who are invested in voting will vote. The people that aren't won't. The people who are swayable ... is a sign stuck in someone's yard really going to make that much of a difference?

I'm working on the bitterness, guys, really I am ... Next post will address one of the (many) whys for it.

Alone

Do you ever get the feeling that you're completely alone, that everyone you ever loved and trusted and believed in and blah blah blah turned out to be nothing that you thought they were?

It is so frightening to realize that, no matter what you do, no matter what you give, it is never quite good enough.

I wouldn't mind so much if I hadn't been burned so severely in the past two years. Family, friends, significant others ... and it's not really their fault, it's just that nobody seems to be who I think they are.

I guess I'm just a very bad judge of human nature.

And so I will stop believing in people.

Haha, that's funny ... believing in people is my fatal flaw, the very essence of who I am. I'll feel differently tomorrow.

For tonight, though ... I am alone in the universe, and it hurts so much.